[Archer is behind Cheryl, who is screaming]
Archer: Shut up! That vest is bullet-proof!
Cheryl: Oh. [gets shot in the arm] OW!
Archer: But it is, y'know, a vest.

[Archer is explaining the plan using dolls on a floorplan of ISIS]
Archer: Why do we have so many damn dolls?
Pam: For sexual harassment complaints. So people can non-verbally indicate where stuff happened on their body.
Archer: That takes, like, one doll!
Pam: Not if there's ever a gang rape.
[Cheryl smiles and nods]

[Archer is hammering some paper into a shredder using a stapler]
Lana: What are you doing?
Archer: Uh, none-of-your-business-ing. And what kind of spy agency scrimps on a freaking shredder?

[Archer is standing over what appears to be a partly-dismantled nuclear warhead. It's emitting a green glow]
Archer: Wait, seriously don't open it?
Ray: [via Com link] Yes!
Archer: Oh. I thought you were being sarcastic.

[Archer is talking to the kidnappers]
Archer: How long do I need to keep them on?
Ray: Two minutes.
Lana: What?!
Archer: What happened to thirty seconds?!
Ray: Uh, your mother's budget priorities?!

[Archer is throwing all Woodhouse's shoes off the balcony]
Archer: Because I told you to buy Lemon Curd! Now what am I going to spread on my toast, Your tears?!

[Archer's team have just lost a pub quiz, thanks to Pam]
Archer: Your exact words, Pam: “Dr Charles Drew or I will eat a bag of dicks”!
Pam: [Belch] Bring ‘em!

[Burt and Archer are going down an elevator that is taking a long time to get down]
Burt Reynolds: ...You're kidding me.
Archer: I know, it's like, the world's slowest elevator.
Burt Reynolds: ...Why don't you get a bat-pole?
Archer: $9000.
Burt Reynolds: What?
Archer: Lowest quote I got.
Burt Reynolds: Well, that's ridiculous.
Archer: I know. It's just basically putting a pole where the garbage chute is, but all the co-op people were like, "But what are we going to do with all the garbage?"
Burt Reynolds: Well, you just dump the garbage down the same chute. Then you will have a soft pile of garbage to land on.
Archer: Yeah, if you're coming in hot, I know, it's a win-win.
Burt Reynolds: Plus, you were going to pay for it yourself. No assessment or anything.
Archer: Exactly.
Burt Reynolds: ...Ridiculous.
Archer: Preaching to the choir, pal.

[Burt Reynolds does a stunt during a car chase that causes a police car to land ontop of another]
Archer: HOLY SHIT! Burt Reynolds!
Burt Reynolds: Hey, pay attention and you might learn something.
Archer: I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my giant, throbbing erection!
[Burt slams on the brakes, causing Archer to fall forward and hit his nose the dashboard. He comes back up holding his nose]
Burt Reynolds: How about now?
Archer: It's gone. I'm all ears.

[Cheryl walks in to find Cyril with his hand over Pam's mouth]
Cheryl: Cyril! Are you cheating on me?
Cyril: No. I'm just... uh... trying to get my muffin back.
Cheryl: No you're not!
Cyril: I'm not?
Cheryl: Not like that, you're not. You gotta slug her in the diaphragm with a forearm shiver.
Cyril: That's... ah... good to know.
Cheryl: Do it! [Cyril slams Pam in the gut. She collapses and vomits on the floor] And no muffin. See? Time lost is muffin lost.

[Cyril is unconscious in the bathroom]
Pam: Cyril. Hey, you awake? [Undoing her belt and dropping her skirt] ‘Cause this is about to get weird.

[Discussing Operation Gladio]
Malory: It was a NATO stay-behind set up to counter a possible Soviet invasion of Western Europe.
Lana: But then it sort of turned into this whole weird crypto-fascist CIA shitshow, starring Allen Dulles and a bunch of former Nazis.
Malory: Thanks, Holly Hindsight.

[Inside the Irish mob's warehouse, Archer has tied up three mobsters and written "Irish" on the wall above them]
Mobster 1: You don't know who you're messin' with, boyo. Do ya have any idea who our boss is?
Archer: [Placing shells in a sawed-off shotgun] Nope, but a hundred people surveyed, number one answer's on the board...
[Archer cocks the shotgun and puts it up to the mobster's knee]
Archer: Name the douchebag who's in charge!
Mobster 1: Vincent... Van Go-fuck-yourself.
Archer: Vincent Van Go-fuck-myself. Survey says! [Blows his kneecap off]
Mobster 1: AAAAAARRRGGHHHHHH!
Mobster 3: Oh, Christ!
Lana: JESUS! Archer!
Archer: What, Lana!? I said it was a rampage!
Lana: Still, though!
Mobster 1: Uurgh, you son of a whore!
Archer: Save it for the fast money round, paddy! [Moves on to second mobster] Hundred people surveyed, number one answer's still on the board, name the douchebag who's in charge!
[The second mobster doesn't say anything]
Archer: [Imitating buzzer] Eh-Eh! Need an answer!
[The second mobster spits in Archer's face]
Archer: Hmm, cock-flavored spit. Well, you never know what's gonna be on the board. Lemme see cock-flavored spit! [Blows the second mobster's kneecap off] That's two strikes!
[Camera pans out to reveal three Latino janitors tied up with "Hondurans" written on the wall above them]
Archer: One more and the innocent Honduran janitors get a chance to steal the bank! [To Hondurans] I'm just gonna assume you guys don't actually know what goes on here. I hope that doesn't sound racist. [Moves on to the third mobster] Okay, kid...
Lana: He is a kid, Archer!
Archer: LANA! You're in the isolation booth! [To young mobster] Looking for the douchebag who's in charge!
Mobster 1: Mikey Hannedy... if you say one word I'll cut your yellow heart right out!
Archer: [Makes buzzer noise again] Eh-Eh! [Shoots first mobster, killing him]
Mikey: Oh, Christ!
Archer: Mikey, you gotta listen to me, buddy... I have breast cancer.
Mobster 2: [Laughing] Breast cancer!?
[Archer closes his eyes in frustration and shoots the second mobster]

[Krenshaw walks in on Archer breaking into the mainframe]
Archer: Hey! I was just talking about you, and about how this isn't what it looks like.
Krenshaw: Lot of that going around.
Archer: Yeah, it's an epidemic.
Krenshaw: For example, my real name is Kremenski.
Archer: Is that... sound... is that Jewish?
Krenshaw: It's Russian.
Archer: Um. [long pause] Russian Jewish?
Krenshaw: I'm the mole, idiot.
[Later]
Archer: Lana! Krenshaw's a mole! And his real name isn't Krenshaw, it's Kremenski. Definitely Russian! Possibly a Jew! Thoughts?

[Krieger demonstrates the mind control chip in a rabbit]
Archer: Freaky!
Krieger: You wanna know what's freaky? Guess what I already named that bunny.
Archer: Rabbert Klein?
Krieger: Wow. That's... actually better.
Archer: It's all yours.