Roger: Hey, F-Bombs!
(Francine freaks out as she watches a poisoned Roger twitch and moan on the kitchen floor. Stan comes in)

Roger: I'm crying like Francine when she watches Grey's Anatomy.
Francine: I just feel so sorry for those poor actors.

Roger: No I'm totally kidding! (to Stan) At least I think I'm kidding, I left him alone with her for half an hour while I took a nap.

Roger: Oh, I love your religion ... for the crazy! Virgin birth. Water into wine. It's like Harry Potter, but it causes genocide and bad folk music.

Roger: Oh, my God! The homeless guy from the bus station is hung (Pause) But I knew that.

Roger: Spoiler alert, the sweet potatoes SUCK! How'd you get the sweet out of the potatoes, Frannie?

Roger: There he is! You owe me big, Mr. Hard Time. Who gotcha two more months of goofin' around? (points to himself): I did, is who. (walks towards an increasingly pissed-off Stan): Get inside this hu--(Stan decks Roger in the face before he can finish his sentence).

Roger: What, no way! Wait, why is this wrong? Next to "Miranda Rights," I wrote, "Miranda has the right to a decent man who will help her raise her baby." Are these questions not about Sex and the City?

Roger: You got the gift? (reads label) Oh, from Landon's de-lovely!
[Sees it's only a thimble]

Roger: You're gonna to roast each other. And your zingers better be mean. If you try any weak sauce, I'm gonna give you such a zots. [With a remote, he buzzes Stan] Now, Stan, roast Hayley. [Zots!] You feel that zots?!
Stan: Uh, Hayley, you're not very smart and you smoke a lot of pot.
Roger: [another buzz] Zots!
Stan: Uh, okay. Hayley, I secretly wish you were Benjamin Button, and you were aging backwards, and your life was almost over.
Roger: [laughing with Klaus] Oh, yeah! Insults in the form of jokes. So how's it feel, Hayley? Not too bueno, I bet. Now you do Steve.
Hayley: Steve, you will never get laid. There is nothing attractive about you. You have the sex appeal of the cancer ward in a pediatric hospital.
Klaus: [laughing] Oh!
Roger: Hayley coming in with a groaner. Nice. Okay, Steve, let's see you give it to your mama.
Steve: Mom, you are not smart. I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes. Example: my mama's so dumb, I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes.
Roger: I love it. Francine, take the pain and throw it right at Stan. Do it!
Francine: Stan, you have the undeserved ego of Jeremy Piven, the annoying self-righteousness of Sean Penn, and the unbearable hypocrisy of Rush Limbaugh. What I'm trying to say is, you're almost as bad a person as Rachael Ray.

Roger: Ze boy is to die first! (cuts Steve's chest)

Snot: Oh, Steve! We've been playing "Animal Midwife" for two years! When are you gonna get some new games?
Steve: Maybe we should go to your place and play "Let's Watch Your Mom Sober Up Before She Has To Go To Her Nursing Job".
Barry: Ouch.

Stan Smith: We can't use the open road. It's too dangerous.
Jesus Christ: What if we journey through Sector 16?
Stan Smith: Sector 16? The perfect man just proposed the perfect way to die.
Jesus Christ: Fine. What about Sector 35?
Stan Smith: Sector 35 makes Sector 16 look like Sector 48!

Stan: [about Francine] God she scared me, you see that I almost punched her in the face!
Roger: Stan, remember the first rule of every wedding is that the bride is beautiful. The second rule you can find on my website. You have be eighteen to log on. I have some sexy barnyard stuff on there that is not for everyone -- I could get into a lot of trouble. If you do decide to check it out you need clear your history right away; you may have to uninstall your browser. I'm telling you scrub that thing clean. If you think you're being too cautious, you're not: they will take us both to jail.

Stan: I always knew this day would come. Except I'd be hearing it from my son and not an alien in a sports bra.
Roger (sobbing): It's a support tank. It's too small. It rode up my belly.
(Roger takes his first police academy exam and fails it)