[Hayley holds Stan at gunpoint]
Stan: Okay Hayley, I give up. This whole thing was my fault anyway. You were on your own path to happieness, and if killing me will put you back on that path then go ahead. Just know that I love you and I always will. You're my little girl. Now, if you still feel you can pull that trigger-
[Hayley shoots him]

[Hayley's trigger phrase]
Stan: I'm getting fed up with this orgasm!

[in a parody of the James Bond opening, Stan walks into the view of the gun barrel and goes to shoot at it, but ends up getting shot]
Stan: Ow! What the hell?! Wait, you're a gun? I always thought you were an eyeball or something! [walks away, clutching his gun wounds] Douche.

[In an Arts and Crafts Academy]
Teacher: Oh, we're so glad to have you, Hayley. I know it's not easy to pose nude.
Hayley [in robe]: Maybe for some people. But I am a proud and evolved woman. And I have nothing to be ashamed of.
[Removes robe]
Roger: Nnnice... (Waves/smiles)
Hayley: (Gasps, covers herself)
Roger: Madam, please, uncover yourself! Does anyone have Areola Pink? I've only got one tube...

[Klaus is riding on a model train]
Francine: Klaus, you got the train to work.
Klaus: Yeah, it's in my blood. My grandfather was a conductor at Auschwitz.
[everyone gasps]
Klaus: No, no, he ran the kiddie train at the zoo. You know, it's a big town, there's other stuff there.

[nine months later...]
Steve: Ok you win, just do it already!
Klaus: Do what?
Roger: Get your revenge!
Steve: The water slide? the practical joke?
Klaus: Ohh yes, I had forgotten...
Roger: GOOD, good... us too.
Klaus: But now that you reminded me...the humiliation I suffered that day will not go unpunished! My pain is the bubbling cauldron of molten steel that will forge the saber of your demise! I SHALL NOT BE DENIED MY VENGEANCE...HAHAHAHAHA
Roger: [covers the fishbowl with a stack of books] Huh, wonder why we didn't think of that NINE months ago.

[Roger and Stan pretend to meet for the first time at the CIA]
Roger: What's your name?
Stan: [through clenched teeth] Stan.
Roger: Hmm, I already know a "Stan". I'm going to call you Mortimer. Now, run and fix me a coffee.
[Stan doesn't move]
Roger: Today, Mortimer James!
[turns to Bullock]
Roger: I add his middle name when I'm dissapointed in him.

[Roger is at this deathbed because his unreleased "bitchiness" turns to bile.]
Roger: OK. Send me Steve. Dance for me.
[Steve dances]
Roger: Mm hm. OK. OK, that's enough. I've got what I need. You are terrible. You've got no rhythm, no coordination. I've... I've seen two epileptics share a bowl of noodles with more grace.
[flower perks up]
Roger: If your goal was to inspire a feeling of despair the like of which hasn't been felt since Whoopi hosted the Oscars, then bravo.
Francine: OK, I think that's enough, Roger.
Stan: Honey, no. It's good for the both of them.
Roger: I can envision millions of Americans and rising up as one and demanding legislation that would require your legs to be amputated, burned and buried next to Hitler. In short, you suck. [at his feet] Oh yeah, that's the stuff

[Stan aims a shotgun at Hayley]
Stan: Hayley, don't make me have to [she quickly snatches the shotgun from him and aims it at him] [lovingly and quickly speaking] spare your life because you're a part of the family!

[Stan is playing 20 questions with his family]
Stan: I'm thinking of a person.
Steve: Ronald Reagan?
Stan: Damn!
Francine Smith: All I want is to have Dinner once a while and spend some real qualitly time together, but you know what? I'm done, done! Because you are a complete ass family. If somebody ask me in the house, I say 'The Asses' and I might be right!

[Stan is trying to merge into traffic with the lane ahead of him blocked off]
Stan: Excuse me. Trying to merge. Not trying to get ahead of anybody, just merging. [driver honks at him] This isn't a contest, fuck you! Fine, I'll take the shoulder! [he knocks over some traffic cones only to find a construction worker and his truck in the way] Excuse me, trying to merge, I'm just trying to-- fuck you!

[Stan parks next to the window of his house as in drive-thru]
Stan : Hi, I'll take a roast beef to go and a medium Mr. Pibb, no ice. Fantastic.
Francine: Stan, get inside right now and have dinner with your family!
Stan: Well, if that's your attitude, I don't know why you people even have a drive-thru.

[The family is hiding in a cave]
Hayley: I'm exhausted.
Francine: I'm starving!

[The family is in a lifeboat starving]
Hayley: We haven't eaten in four days. Damn it Mom! Why did you jump off the boat after dinner?
Francine: This isn't my fault. I just wanted us to spend some time together.
Hayley: [gasp] Steve's hiding food!
Steve: No! It's just a picture I took with some grapes.
[Everybody jumps him trying to take the picture from him]
Hayley: Give it to me!
Francine: Share it! You have to share it!
[Steve drops the picture in the ocean]
Stan: No! What are we gonna do for pictures of food now?!
Becky: [sees an island] Look!

Wash, wash, wash your V-J,
Scrub, scrub, scrub your V-J,
Rinse, rinse, rinse your V-J,
Next, we'll do your tushie.
Wash, wash, wash, your tushie,
Scrub, scrub, scrub your tushie,
Rinse, rinse, rinse your tushie,
We just did your tushie.