Roger: Does this furniture polish have alcohol in it? [drinks bottle] Hmm, tastes like I might die.

Roger: Gee, I don't know Hayley. You think it might have something to do with me being drunk all the time? I'm an alcoholic, I have a problem, I'm just not ready to deal with it yet. Now get inside the suitcase.
(Hayley crouches in the suitcase and zips it up from the outside)
Hayley (from inside the suitcase): Are these...balloons filled with heroin?!
Roger (kicks the suitcase): Those are NOT for you!

Roger: Glock?
Stan: Check.
Roger: Kevlar vest?
Stan: Check.
Roger: Thing you should do to yourself before you wreck yourself?
Stan: Check.

Roger: Great I'll put it on the dvd extras along with the musicologist touching you in the bath.
[Francine looks mad]

Roger: Hey Algernon, what's wrong with you? Can't you get an idea without saying it out loud?

Roger: Hey, F-Bombs!
(Francine freaks out as she watches a poisoned Roger twitch and moan on the kitchen floor. Stan comes in)

Roger: Hey, Hayley, got a minute?
Hayley: Roger? You're alive? Or is this like an episode of the Twilight Zone where I talk to you from beyond the grave but only with terrible ironic results?
Roger: Oh, right, it's after 12:00, you're already high. Let me talk to the fish.

Roger: Hey, with this mortar launcher, we can get back at the kid who went all Tom Sizemore on your eye!
Steve: Oh, I wish I could get back at him. I'm gonna dress up as a girl and get him to have sex with me and then say "Ha! I'm not a girl! You just had sex with a boy that hates you!"
Roger: Yes, let's leave that plan between you, me, and the string of therapists who won't be able to help you.

Roger: Horse Renoir, bounty hunter! Born in the bayou. Some say the hell-spawn of a prostitute and a whore. Other say...
Stan: Shut up!
Roger: Rude.

Roger: I can't believe this turns some people on!

Roger: I think I grabbed the helium neck.

Roger: I want a popcorn maker for my attic.
Stan: Don't be stupid, Roger. The attic is above sea level, and popcorn doesn't pop above sea level. I know, I've spent time in Denver.

[Steve is confronting Roger after the stock that Roger invests in plummets to zero.]
Steve: What the hell was that?! You said "SJP" was a sure thing!
Roger: I don't understand, SJP is in the new Spielberg movie; it's gonna be huge!
Steve: What are you talking about?! SJP is a Canadian chiropractic supplies company!
Roger: You mean it's... not Sarah Jessica Parker?
Steve: What?! No!
Roger: Isn't this the Hollywood Stock Exchange? You know, where you buy and sell celebrity stocks based on the ups and down of their careers?
Steve: No!
Roger: Oh... Then what is all this?
Steve: This is the New York Stock Exchange!
Roger: Like in the movie Wall Street? I thought that was Hollywood make-believe, like children of every color being at the same McDonald's.
Steve: But back home, you said you were about to make a fortune in silver!
Roger: Ron Silver!

[Steve and Roger are standing in the rain in New York]
Roger: We're gonna make through this. We still have twenty bucks. In this town, with our brains, we'll turn it into a millions in no time. [turns to the kiosk behind him] I'll have the new issue of Cherry, and keep the change, my good man.
Steve: Roger!
Roger: Steve, it's a special big butts collector's issue; someday it'll be worth a fortune. Now we play the waiting game.

Stan: Honey, it's been three weeks; maybe we should... start..planning Steve's funeral. [Francine get a reaction and throws plate onto floor in response]
Francine: I WANTED TO GO GET HIM! I WANTED TO BRING HIM INSIDE! BUT YOU WOULDN'T LET ME! OUR BABY'S DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Stan: [close to tears] Don't you think I know that?!

Roger: I'm crying like Francine when she watches Grey's Anatomy.
Francine: I just feel so sorry for those poor actors.

Roger: I'm feeling happy already, I am on a lot of prescription pills though.... is that a story? ... no its an addiction.

Roger: I'm not ready to die! Not before Shatner!