Dean O'Dell: Look, the sheriff is an idiot. I've met smarter sandwiches.

Dean: I saw you talking to that guy. What'd you talk about?
Veronica: Jane Austen. But he dissed Pride and Prejudice, so I had to throw a beer on him.

Dean: Okay, so we're gonna play a game called "Two Truths and a Lie." Does everyone have a buddy? [Veronica raises her hand] All alone?
Veronica: It's all right. I prefer it.
Dean: Lie. See, that's how the game works. [to group] You have to tell your partner two facts and one lie and they have to guess which one is the lie, all right? [to Veronica] Okay, so go ahead.
Veronica: Okay, I'm Veronica. I'm from Neptune. And I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
Dean: Oh, how'd that go?
Veronica: It was a bit of a letdown.
Dean: Hmm. Well, uh, I don't believe that you're from Neptune.
Veronica: Wrong. Is that the end?
Dean: Um, okay. Well, my name is Dean, I'm from Wheaton, Illinois. My father owns a Ford dealership, and I also shot a man in Reno, but it wasn't to watch him die, it was for, other issues.
Veronica: Your father doesn't sell Fords.
Dean: That's right, Toyotas. How did you know?
Veronica: It's all in the eyes.
Dean: All right, well, I guess I'll have to watch out for you next year.
Veronica: Oh, I won't be attending.
Dean: All right, enough lies.

Deputy Sacks: Hey Sheriff...you'll never believe who's in the interrogation room filling out an application.
Lamb: You're right. Who?
Sacks: Veronica Mars.
Lamb: You left her alone in there?![barges into the interrogation room] What are you up to, Veronica?
Veronica: Last question, actually. "Why do you want this position?" Honestly - and really tell me the truth - how much of an ass-kiss would I be if I admit it's to be close to you? [Lamb pulls out her chair] Seriously, why do birds suddenly appear every time you're near?

Desmond Fellows: [to Veronica] Anyone ever tell you, you look like a feisty young Barbara Eden?

Dick: [upon seeing Veronica] Dude, what the hell are you doing? Please tell me this is like, some new reality show called My Skank.
Logan: Goodbye, Dick.
Dick: What?
Logan: Get out of my house. You have a problem with Veronica, you leave. Actually, you have a problem with Veronica, you're pretty much dead to me, so just, like, evaporate or something, I dunno. That's pretty much a general invitation. If you don't like my girlfriend, then start heading towards the big rectangle with the knob.
[Duncan leaves.]

Dick: Dude! So we hanging this weekend or that chick still have your sack locked up in her Easy-Bake Oven?
Logan: Actually, I am now a free man.
Dick: The way we should be, man.
Logan: "We"? What happened to Madison?
Dick: [scoffs] Bailed. According to her friend, she met someone more mature.
Logan: Where, Legoland?
Dick: Pfft. Whatever, man. Maturity is like one of the two most overrated things on the planet.
Logan: The other being?
Dick: Chicks.
Logan: Oh, so this worked out great for you.
Dick: Dude, why do you think I'm in such a great mood? Screw it. This weekend, you and me are partying like Ozzy.

Dick: Dude, why are lesbians, like, so pissed off all the time? Let your freak flag fly, ladies!
Veronica: How progressive of you, Dick.
Dick: Damn, what is it with you? Do you follow me around for fun, or what?
Veronica: Would it help if I started making out with my girlfriend in the hall?
Dick: Yeah! Obviously. But look, I'll fix your car, whatever. You gotta learn to leave me alone.
Veronica: And here I thought we were getting to be pals.
Dick: Please. You date Logan, he's nailed for murder. You date Duncan, he's wanted for kidnapping. You get put on Robbie and Hunter's jury, they get sent to Chino. You're like rich-dude Kryptonite, Veronica. This rich dude wants no part of it.

Dick: Dude. My stepmom?
Logan: I am a total piece of crap.
Dick: Better you than the cable guy, I guess. And I'd be lying to say if I've never perved on your mom while she was prancin' around the pool in that hardly there bikini of hers.
Logan: Great. So...no hard feelings?
Dick: No, she gave me a few.

Dick: I am so good at this game, bro.
Logan: Shooting in a clown's mouth. Your future's bright, Dick.

Dick: Look at that. Beaver's getting all the love, and Dick's flapping out in the breeze.
Luke: Please. You have like, the hottest girlfriend ever.
Dick: Much like fake boobs - great to look at, but they don't do as much as you'd like them to.

Dick: So, not only did Chip get Kojak'd, someone put a Roman numeral on one of those little plastic Easter eggs, and stuck it in his... where-the-sun-don't-shine place. And you know where that is.
Veronica: Worst. Easter Egg Hunt. Ever.

Dick: Veronica Mars - modern college girl on the go.
Veronica: Dick Casablancas - Neolithic college boy on the sauce.

Duane: Let me tell you something. If I was gonna do a kamikaze, you know, off a bridge with a bus full of kids and stuff, a convenience store would not be the site of my last meal. I'd want to eat something on the brink of extinction, you know, like the last emu. Or a meerkat. I bet they'd go down smooth.

Duncan: Careful, Logan. You're exposing your soft underbelly.
Logan: My underbelly is rock hard. It can go all night.