Ritchie: Why is everyone's car so much bigger than ours?
Christine: Because they don't believe in themselves.
Richie: Do we believe in ourselves?
Christine: [shrugs] Look at our car.

Richard: How's my little third-grader?
Richie: I look ridiculous in these clothes.
Richard: Yeah... you kinda do.
Christine: Richard, don't make this harder for me.
Richard: I'm sorry. [to Richie] Cool pants, is that Rayon?

Christine: [about her dry spell] Sex used to be my thing. God, in-fact senior year in high school I was a bit of a slut. That is what I was known for.

Richard: Mind if I use your bathroom?
Christine: Oh.
Richard: I got to make a pit stop, not a full pit stop just an oil change. I'm going to pee.

Burton: You okay there?
Christine: Yeah, it's my new date-night underwear. It just got to fifth base.

Christine: Ritchie, we have talked about this. You're eight years old. We live in Los Angeles. You have to learn how to swim.
Ritchie: Why?
Christine: Because, honey, you can't keep going to pool parties telling people you're having your period.

Ritchie: What's intercourse?
Matthew: Something to do with golf. You should ask your mom.
Ritchie: Does mom golf?
Matthew: She's been known to hit the links.

Christine: Oh, come on, it hasn't been that bad, has it? I mean, didn't doing it in your car last week make you feel like a teenager?
Burton: Yeah, until I got home and I had to ice... everything.
Christine: No kidding, I got a bruise from knee to nipple.

Richard: It shouldn't be this difficult. I mean I said 'I love you' on our first date, and you said it back to me.
Christine: We had just seen Ghost. I would have told the movie-usher I loved him.
Richard: It's good to know our marriage was based on such a rock solid foundation.
Christine: It worked out pretty good... except for the divorce.

Matthew: What's going on?
Christine: Nate just said the "F" word.
Matthew: So? You say that word all the time; you said it three times in the car on the way over here.
Christine: No, the other "F" word--the gay one.

Frank: What are the families like?
Christine: Great families--very involved.
Frank: But would you describe them as having good values?
Christine: "Good values?" Oh, definitely, great values, I mean just like us.
Frank: Good, cause our last school had way too many fags.

Liz: Do you like being a nanny?
Matthew: I do, although I prefer the word manny.

Christine: It's not a lesson party, it's a party... with a lesson.

Christine: Are you saying that the divorce was my fault?
Hillary: It wouldn't be ethical of me to tell you that.
Christine: Was it anyone's fault?
Hillary: Yes.
Christine: Was it Richard's fault?
Hillary: No.

[Christine is trying desperately to get into a sold out Rolling Stones concert]
Christine: Sir, uh, I'm sorry, let me just explain to you my situation. Okay, my nine-year-old is in there with his father and his new girlfriend, and there's a very strong possibility that he's gonna let him go to the bathroom on his own.
Ticket Window Clerk: I'm so sorry. I didn't, I didn't know. We keep two emergency tickets available for situations like this. Is the fourth row okay?
Christine: That would be great.
Ticket Window Clerk: OK, uh let me just get those for you. [looking questioningly around the booth] Where do we keep them? Duh, they're right here! [he reaches up and slams the window blind shut in her face]
Christine: He's not getting the tickets?
Matthew: Uh, no, sweetie, he's not.