Hank Spim: I love animals, that's why I like to kill 'em.

Head Waiter: This is a vegetarian restaurant -- we serve no meat of any kind. We're not only proud of that, we're smug about it.

Host: Tschaikowsky: Was he the tortured soul who poured out his immortal longings into dignified passages of stately music, or was he just an old poof who wrote tunes?

Hungarian: My hovercraft is full of eels.

Inspector Tiger: This house is surrounded. I'm afraid I must not ask anyone to leave the room. No, I must ask nobody... no, I must ask everybody to... I must not ask anyone to leave the room. No one must be asked by me to leave the room. No, no one must ask the room to leave. I... I... ask the room shall by someone be left. Not. Ask nobody the room somebody leave shall I. Shall I leave the room? Everyone must leave the room... as it is... with them in it. Phew. Understand?
Colonel Pickering: You don't want anybody to leave the room.
Inspector Tiger: [clicking fingers to indicate Colonel Pickering has hit the nail on the head] Now, alduce me to introlow myslef. I'm sorry. Alself me to myduce introlow myslef. Introme-to-lose mlow alself. Alme to you introself mylowduce. Excuse me a moment. [bangs himself on the side of the head] Allow me to introduce myself. I'm afraid I must ask that no one leave the room. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Tiger.
Everybody: Tiger?
Inspector Tiger: [whirling around] WHERE? WHERE?

Interviewer: Mr. Vercotti, what is your chief task as Ron's manager?
Luigi Vercotti: Well my main task is, er, to fix a sponsor for the big jump.
Interviewer: And who is the sponsor?
Luigi Vercotti: The Chippenham Brick Company. Ah, they, er, pay all the bills, er, in return for which Ron will be carrying half a hundredweight of their bricks. [Ron is having his passport checked by a customs officer]
Interviewer: I see. Well, er, it looks as if Ron is ready now. He's got the bricks. He's had his passport checked and he's all set to go. And he's off on the first ever cross-Channel jump. [Ron runs down the beach and jumps. He lands about four feet into the water] Will Ron be trying the cross Channel jump again soon?
Luigi Vercotti: No. No. I'm taking him off the jumps, Er, because I've got something lined up for Ron next week that I think is very much more up his street.
Interviewer: And what is that?
Luigi Vercotti: Uh, Ron is going to eat Chichester Cathedral.
[Cuts to Ron approaching Chichester Cathedral, brushing his teeth]
Interviewer: Well, there he goes, Ron Obvious of Neepsend, in an attempt which could make him the first man ever to eat an entire Anglican Cathedral. [Ron finishes brushing his teeth, puts on a bib, and flexes his jaws before biting into the corner of a buttress and breaking his jaw]

Interviewer: Ron, now let's just get this quite clear - you're intending to jump across the English Channel?
Ron Obvious: Oh yes, that is correct, yes.
Interviewer: And, er, just how far is that?
Ron Obvious: Oh, well it's 26 miles from here to Calais.
Interviewer: And that's to the beach of Calais?
Ron Obvious: Well, no, no, provided I get a good lift off and maybe a gust of breeze over the French coast, I shall be jumping into the centre of Calais itself. [Shows brief clip of some Frenchmen in Calais standing under a sign that says "Fin de Cross Channel Jump"]
Interviewer: Ron are you using any special techniques to jump this great distance?
Ron Obvious: Oh no, no. I shall be using an ordinary two-footed jump, er, straight up in the air and across the Channel.
Interviewer: I see. Er, Ron, what is the furthest distance that you've jumped, er, so far?
Ron Obvious: Er, oh, eleven foot six inches at Motspur Park on July 22nd. Er, but I have done nearly twelve feet unofficially.

Interviewer: Get your own arts programme, you fairy!
The Funniest Joke in the World

Interviewer: Minister, in your plan, "A Better Britain For Us", you promised to build 88 thousand million billion houses a year in the greater London area alone. In fact, you've built only three in the last 15 years.
The Piranha Brothers

Interviewer: Was there anything unusual about Dinsdale?
Woman: Certainly not! He was perfectly normal in every way! Except... inasmuch as he thought he was being followed by a giant hedgehog named Spiny Norman.

Interviewer:Doug and Dinsdale Piranha were born on probation in this house Kipling Road,Suffolk the eldest sons in a family of sixteen.Their father,Arthur Piranha a scrap metal dealer and local T.V. Quizmaster was known by the Police and a devout Catholic

Judge Kilbraken: [referring to his death sentence for contempt of court] Blimey! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.
[The whole court expectantly looks towards the door. Cut to the Inquisition running out of a house in suburbia and leaping onto a bus]
Ximinez: Two, er, three to the Old Bailey please.
[Credits start]
Biggles: Look, they've started the credits.
Ximinez: Hurry. Hurry. Hurry.
Biggles: Come on, hurry. Hurry!
Ximinez: There's the lighting credit, only five left. Hell, it's the producer--quick!
[The Inquistion leaps off the bus and bursts through into the courtroom]
Ximinez: Nobody expects the Spa... [Smash cut to a frame saying "The End"] Oh bugger!

Ken: I'll tell you what's wrong with you: your head's addled with novels and poems! You come home reeking of Chateau La Tour! And look what you've done to mother! She's worn out from meeting film stars, attending premieres, and giving gala luncheons!
Dad: THERE'S NAUGHT WRONG WITH GALA LUNCHES, LAD! I've had more gala luncheons than you've had hot dinners! [grabs arm and screams]
Mum: Oh no!
Ken: What is it?
Mum: Oh, it's his writer's cramp!
Ken: You never told me about this...
Mum: No, we didn't like to, Kenny.
Dad: I'm all right! I'm all right, woman. Just get him out of here.
Mum: Oh Ken! You'd better go ...
Ken: All right. I'm going.
Dad: After all we've done for him...
Ken: One day you'll realize there's more to life than culture... There's dirt, and smoke, and good honest sweat!
Dad: Get out! Get out! Get OUT! You ... LABOURER!

Kenny Lust: Ken Buddha. A smile, two bangs, and a religion.

Kenny Lust: Now, every so often here in the Refreshment Room it is my honor, my privilege, to welcome some the truly great international artists. And tonight we have one such artist. Ladies and gentlemen, someone who've I've always personally admired. More deeply, more strongly, more abjectly than anyone before. A man, no, more than a man, a god! A great god whose personality is so totally and utterly wonderful, that my feeble words of welcome sound wretchedly and pathetically inadequate. Someone whose boots I would gladly lick clean, until holes wore through my tounge! A man who is so totally and utterly wonderful, that I would rather be sealed in a pit of my filth than dare tread on the same stage with him. Ladies and gentlemen, the incomparably superior human being, Harry Fink! [crowd applauds]
Stage-hand: He can't come!
Kenny Lust: Never mind. He's not all that's cracked up to be.