Buffy: So Mom's like, "Do you think Ted will like this?" and "This is Ted's favorite show", and "Ted's teaching me computers", and "Ted said the funniest thing", and I'm like, "That's really great, Mom", and then she said I was being sarcastic, which I was, but I'm sorry if I don't wanna talk about Ted all the time.
Angel: So, you gonna talk about something else at some point?
Buffy: I'm sorry. I just have so much to deal with, I don't need some new guy in my life.
Angel: No, but maybe your mom does.
Buffy: Well, sure, if you're gonna use wisdom.
Angel: Loneliness is about the scariest thing there is.
Buffy: Okay, so my mom needs a guy in her life. Does it have to be Ted?
Angel: Do you have somebody else in mind? There's a guy out there that would satisfy you?
Buffy: My dad? Yeah, okay, that's not gonna happen. Fine, fine, I'll give Ted a chance. I'll play mini-golf, and I'll smile and curtsy and be the dutiful daughter. Do I have to like him?
Angel: Kiss me.
Buffy: Finally, something I wanna do!

Buffy: So you three have, what? Banded together to be pains in my ass?
Warren: We're your arch-nemesises...ses. You may have beaten us this time, Slayer, but next time... um... uh, next time...
Jonathan: Maybe not!
...
[The girls see the boys struggling with the arcade's back door.]
Buffy: I give you my arch-nemesis...ses...ses.

Buffy: So, did you bring back any Potentials?
Giles: Um, rea-- no. Actually, m-my, uh, my trip is about something else. It's�it's, um, regarding Spike.
Buffy: Spike. What about him?
Giles: I told you my concerns when you recklessly chose to remove the chip from his head.
Robin: Wait, sorry -- chip?
Giles: Well, uh, it's a... long story.
Buffy: The military put a chip in Spike's head so he couldn't hurt anyone.
Giles: And that would be the abridged version.
Buffy: But he wouldn't hurt anyone anymore because he has a soul now.
Giles: Unless the First triggers him again.
Robin: Triggers the chip?
Buffy: No, the trigger's a post-hypnotic thing. The First put it in his head. It was... made him... He was killing again.
Robin: So, he has a trigger, a soul, and a chip?
Giles: Not anymore!
Buffy: It was killing him, Giles!
Robin: The trigger?
Buffy: No, the chip. The trigger's not active anymore.
Robin: Because the military gave him a soul?
[Giles tries to think an adequate response. Buffy glares at Robin, who gestures in surrender.]
Robin: Uh... sorry.

Buffy: So, do you have plans later or are you just going to go down to the docks, wait for the fleet to come in?
Dawn: [shocked] What?
Buffy: [furious] Where do I start with the bad? First, you told me you were going to the library. Second, you do not go out on a date without informing me first. Third... Anna Nicole Smith thinks you look tacky!

Buffy: So, something ripped him open and ate out his insides?
Willow: Like an Oreo cookie, well, except for, you know, without the... chocolatey cookie goodness.
...
Willow: So we're looking for a beastie.
Giles: That, uh, eats humans whole, except for the skin.
Buffy: This doesn't make any sense.
Xander: Yeah, the skin's the best part.
Buffy: Any demons with high cholesterol? [Giles looks at her] You're gonna think about that later, mister, and you're gonna laugh!

Buffy: So, what do you guys wanna do tomorrow?
Willow: Nothing strenuous.
Xander: Well, mini-golf is always the first thing that comes to mind.
Giles: I think we can do better than that.
Buffy: I was thinking about shopping. As per usual.
Willow: Oh. There's an Arden B. in the new mall.
Xander: Oh, good. I could use a few items.
Giles: Well, now aren't we gonna discuss this? Save the world or go to the mall?
Buffy: I'm having a wicked shoe craving.
Xander: Aren't you on the patch?
Willow: Those never work.
Buffy: Never.
Giles: And here I am, invisible to the eye, not having any vote.
Xander: See, I need a new look. It's this whole eye patch thing.
Buffy: Oh, you could go with full black secret agent look.
Willow: Or the puffy shirt, pirate slash...
Giles: The Earth is definitely doomed.

Buffy: Something's definitely changing them.
Willow: A spell?
Oz: They're teenagers. It's a sobering mirror to look into, huh?
Principal Snyder: [to Oz] You've got great hair.

Buffy: Sorry, I'm the only one that can pass the retinal scan.
Xander: The... ew! I don't wanna see that.
Buffy: Retinal scan, Xander.

Buffy: Spike and I are getting married!
Xander: How? What? How?
Giles: Three excellent questions.
Spike: [to Buffy] What are you looking at?
Buffy: The man I love.
[She and Spike kiss, long and salaciously. Xander and Anya avert their eyes.]
Xander: Can I be blind too?

Buffy: Spike, finish the story you were telling my little sister.
Spike: Right, so I knew the little girl was in the coal bin so I ripped it open very violently... and gave her to a nice family where they were never ever mean to her and didn't lock her in a coal bin.

Buffy: Spike, I just saw you taste your own nose blood. You know what? I'm too grossed out to hear anything you have to say. Go home.
Spike: It's blood. It's what I do!

Buffy: Spike, this basement is killing you. This is the Hellmouth. There is something bad down here, possibly everything bad.
Spike [laughs]: Can't hear you. Can't hear you.
Buffy: You have a soul? Fine. Show me.
Spike: Scream "Montresor" all you like, pet.
Buffy: Get up and get out of this basement.
Spike: I don't have anywhere else to go.

Buffy: Stay away from hyena people, or any loser athletes, or if you see anyone who's invisible...
Dawn: I think it's pretty safe to say I'm not going to see anyone who's invisible.

Buffy: Ta da. Just little old 20th-century me.
Angel: Sure you're okay?
Buffy: I'll live.
Angel: I don't get it, Buffy. Why'd you think I'd like you better dressed that way?
Buffy: I just wanted to be a real girl for once. The kind of fancy girl you liked when you were my age.
Angel: Oh, ho.
Buffy: What?
Angel: I hated the girls back then. Especially the noblewomen.
Buffy: You did.
Angel: They were just incredibly dull. Simpering morons, the lot of them. I always wished I could meet someone ... exciting. Interesting.
Buffy: Really? Interesting how?
Angel: You know how.
Buffy: Still, I had a really hard day. You should probably tell me.
Angel: You're right. I should.
Buffy: Definitely.

Buffy: Tell me what's in the steam!
Coach Marin: After the fall of the Soviet Union, documents came into light detailing experiments with fish DNA in their Olympic swimmers. Tarpon, mako shark... But they couldn't crack it.
Buffy: And you did... sort of. Why?
Coach Marin: What kind of question is that? For the win! To make my team the best they could be! Do you understand we have a shot at the State Championship?
Buffy: Do you understand that I don't care? It's over. There's not gonna be any Swim Team.
Coach Marin: Boy, when they were handing out school spirit, you didn't even stand in line, did you?
Buffy: No. I was in the line for shred of sanity. (Coach Marin pulls out a gun, aiming at her) Which you obviously skipped.