Michael: Great. I was wondering if you might be willing to go somewhere with me. I would pay you.
Rita: You'll pay me?
Michael: Not... not for sex. You're going to think that I'm Jack the Ripper, right? Didn't he kill prostitutes or...?
Rita: I'm not a prostitute.
Michael: Then I shall let you live.

Michael: I can't stand to hear one more lie out of this family.
Tobias: [entering, to Lindsay] There's the woman I'm sexually attracted to.
Michael Okay, but that's the last one.

Michael: She's sweet. She's smart. She's beautiful. She's special.
[Flashback]
Narrator: She was special.
Rita: Are houses terribly hard to make?
Michael: Actually, the hardest part is finding the land.
Narrator: But she wasn't smart...
Rita: Instead of making houses, maybe you should make land.
Narrator: ...for Rita had only mentally progressed...
Rita: On the ocean.
Narrator: ...to the level of a first grader.
Rita: There's no land on the ocean.
Narrator: Michael might have noticed her disability if it had not been masked by her English accent.
Michael: [pause] You are brilliant.
Narrator: Yeah. She wasn't.

Michael: That's the point, Dad. Mr. Loblaw no longer works for us because someone wanted a boyfriend.
Tobias: Well, don't blame me!
Michael: I was talking to Lindsay, actually, but he was clearly turned off to the both of you.

Michael: We've got a picture of you with Saddam Hussein.
George, Sr.: I thought, I thought that was the guy who played the Soup Nazi. I told him how much I liked his work.

Narrator: Michael did try again with Rita, but this time determined to keep no secrets.
Michael: I want to tell you everything if... if you're willing to listen.
Rita: I'm a very good listener.
Michael: Great. Start with the misdemeanors and then, we're gonna' push right on through to the lighter treasons. So, 1983...

Richard Shaw: I'm sorry it took so long, but the Cheney Expressway was backed up all the way to Halliburton Road.

Rita: Rita corny, Michael.
Narrator: So Michael used a line that was just as corny.
Michael: You know, I think that we should wait until after we're married.

Tobias: I should call the Hot Cops and tell them to dress up as something more nautically themed. Hot sailors, maybe. Or better yet, hot sea m--
Michael: I like hot sailors.
Tobias: Mmmm. Me too.

[During a work-out montage with Michael]
Steve Holt: Don't ask "can I?," ask "I can!"
Steve Holt: You can control your bladder when you're dead!
Steve Holt: No blood, no oil!
Steve Holt: There's no "I" in "win"!

[Gob is using a "My name is Judge" magazine insert inside his ventriloquist dummy]
Gob: They'll call me up on the stand, say something like "who is this little friend?", and he'll say...
Franklin/Judge: My name is Judge.
Gob: Whose name is Judge?
Franklin/Judge: My name is...
Gob: That's a silly name!
Michael: That's enough!
Franklin/Judge: ...Judge. My name...
Gob: Yes, I am judging your name. It am silly!
Franklin/Judge: ...Is...
Gob: Oh, now you're correcting my grammar?
Michael: Gob, not going to put Franklin on the stand. And your lips are moving just a little bit.
Franklin/Judge: ...Judge.
Gob: He's right, his name is Judge now.

[Michael has just revealed that he knows Rita is mentally challenged]
Rita: You found out.
Michael: Took me long enough.
Rita: Maybe you're not smart, either! I didn't know until they told me.