Archer: Oh that is bullshit! Who would break into this shit hole!?

Archer: Oh, I'm crazy? Cyril, you're the one who killed a perfectly good hooker.

Archer: Okay, it's over, and... you're sure you don't wanna marry that woman?
Len: Oh, God, no. You know what I want?
Archer: Tell me.
Len: Some of that lettuce?
Archer: ...Um... okay...
Len: Actually can I have all of it? And the bunny attached to it? He is attached, right? Can I have the bunny and the lettuce?
Archer: Um, can we give Lenny the rabbit?
Len: And the lettuce!
Archer: ...Sure thing. Go to town.
Len: Yeah, 'cause, you know... they're brothers.
Archer: Um. Is he always gonna be like this now because I feel bad.

Archer: Out macho a gay guy? Oh my stars!
Charles: Hmm, or you could be a sarcastic bitch your whole life.

Archer: Piece of! How are you a super power!?

Archer: Render the salad unto Caesar!

Archer: So excuse me for needing some time to grieve.
Rip: By tending bar and banging newly weds?
Archer: Apparently that's my grieving process.

Archer: So you! [Smack] Can you hack into the KGB servers?
Bilbo: pfft... Does one ring rule them all?

Archer: So, are you two even really gay!?
Charles: As big ol' tangerines, yes.

Archer: So, obviously I'm not happy about this whole arrangement, but...
Cyril: But your mother is, so...
Archer: But I wonder what Lana thinks about...
Cyril: Lana's not "need to know" this.
Archer: Wow. "Open purse, remove balls," huh?
Cyril: Besides, I'm sure it's not the first time you've kept a secret from Lana.
Archer: Uh hello! Herpes?!
Cyril: YOU GAVE LANA HERPES?!
[Cheryl gasps loudly]
Cyril: Hello, Cheryl.
Cheryl: It's Carol.
Archer: Wha-- Since when?
Cheryl: Since I had it legally changed because you always call me Carol.
Archer: Well that's just... Excuse us.
[Cyril and Archer walk away]
Cyril: What is this herpes business?
Archer: Bad joke. And a false alarm.

Archer: So, obviously, it would be a lot easier for me if you just disabled all that when you left work tonight... somehow.
Cheryl: Ooh, that would make me... uncomfortable.
Archer: Ugh, God, everything makes you uncomfortable!
[Archer and Cheryl are naked and on the floor of his apartment]
Archer: Just the tip?
[Archer is behind Cheryl now, who is on all fours]
Archer: Just the tip?
[Archer is waving an ice cream cone in front of Cheryl]
Archer: Just the tip!
[in the present]
Archer: How was I supposed to know you're lactose intolerant?
Cheryl: Because I kept screaming it!
[Later]
Cheryl: Are... are you gonna pay for your lunch?
Archer: Just the tip. [Pause] Actually, I don't have any cash on me. Could you... get it? I also need cab fare. Awww, Ugly Duckling. Quack Quack.

Archer: Speaking of excellence, did you hear we met a tiger? But...he was murdered.

Archer: Thank you, certified air boat mechanic!

Archer: That's just great. She gets dinner and Dixieland and laid. And I get mosquitoes and no beer and... not laid. How could this get any... [alligator surfaces and growls] LET ME FINISH... worse. You ruined it. You ruined the moment.

Archer: There's a zoo here?