Archer quotes
339 total quotesArcher: Get me drunk enough and I might have sex with you.
Pam: Really?
Archer: No! Its a catch-22. The amount of alcohol it would take would literally kill me!
Pam: Dick.
Archer: But I do want to see how many pool balls you can fit in your mouth.
Pam: My record is three.
Pam: Really?
Archer: No! Its a catch-22. The amount of alcohol it would take would literally kill me!
Pam: Dick.
Archer: But I do want to see how many pool balls you can fit in your mouth.
Pam: My record is three.
Archer: Hey, you idiots wanna hear my plan or not? [Silence] Alright... Suggestions.
Cyril: About what?
Archer: What are we talking about... Stopping my mother from selling ISIS to ODIN!
Cyril: You said you had a plan.
Archer: My plan is to crowdsource a plan!
Cyril: About what?
Archer: What are we talking about... Stopping my mother from selling ISIS to ODIN!
Cyril: You said you had a plan.
Archer: My plan is to crowdsource a plan!
Archer: Holy shit, our security is atrocious. Seriously, it's really bad.
[He sits at the computer, which prompts him for a password]
Archer: Password. Hmm, password? How about "Guest".
[He types in "Guest" and it works]
Archer: No way. It can't be. Jesus Christ, that is just... babytown frolics.
[He sits at the computer, which prompts him for a password]
Archer: Password. Hmm, password? How about "Guest".
[He types in "Guest" and it works]
Archer: No way. It can't be. Jesus Christ, that is just... babytown frolics.
Archer: How do you say "The Hulk" in Spanish?
Ramone: "El Hulk".
Archer: Gay.
Ramone: What? We don't have a word for "Hulk".
Archer: Do you have a word for "gay"?
Ramone: Gay.
Archer: Gayer! Jesus, Spanish! Our jobs aren't enough; now you gotta take our words?
Ramone: "El Hulk".
Archer: Gay.
Ramone: What? We don't have a word for "Hulk".
Archer: Do you have a word for "gay"?
Ramone: Gay.
Archer: Gayer! Jesus, Spanish! Our jobs aren't enough; now you gotta take our words?
Archer: I am the best at this, Rain Man! OK. I'm like...
Cyril: Who? James Bond?
Archer: Well, I don't like to invite that comparison, but yeah, basically.
Cyril: So do something!
Archer: I'm doing all kinds of stuff, Cyril. I'm shooting the gun, see. I'm driving the car.
Cyril: I could drive better than that.
Archer: So knock yourself out. I'm ejecting.
Cyril: Oh no you are not. you are totally not...
Archer: I totally am not.
Cyril: Who? James Bond?
Archer: Well, I don't like to invite that comparison, but yeah, basically.
Cyril: So do something!
Archer: I'm doing all kinds of stuff, Cyril. I'm shooting the gun, see. I'm driving the car.
Cyril: I could drive better than that.
Archer: So knock yourself out. I'm ejecting.
Cyril: Oh no you are not. you are totally not...
Archer: I totally am not.
Archer: I bet I'll never be able to have sex again without thinking about this! I bet I won't even be able to eat spaghetti and meatballs. Oh god!
Malory: What?
Archer: I could eat. Not necessarily spaghetti and meatballs, but, you know, not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs. I mean I really like spaghetti and meatballs. Man, if I don't get some spaghetti and meatballs, I may literally die.
Malory: What?
Archer: I could eat. Not necessarily spaghetti and meatballs, but, you know, not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs. I mean I really like spaghetti and meatballs. Man, if I don't get some spaghetti and meatballs, I may literally die.
Archer: I feel sick. What's happening? Do I have cancer again?
Ray: You drank too much!
Archer: That's a thing?
Ray: You drank too much!
Archer: That's a thing?
Archer: I have a question, mother. Why does this chair have no seat...and WHAT...IS IN HIS ASS?!
Archer: I have a plan to get the money back. [See's Ray carrying a bag of toiletries] That doesn't include you taking my hotel toiletries!
Ray: You're not using them.
Archer: Yes, I am.
Ray: Go look at your pores then tell me you're using them. Then tell me your little genius plan.
Archer: Rob the casino.
Ray: Thanks for the lotion.
Ray: You're not using them.
Archer: Yes, I am.
Ray: Go look at your pores then tell me you're using them. Then tell me your little genius plan.
Archer: Rob the casino.
Ray: Thanks for the lotion.
Archer: I have to go. But if I find one single dog hair when I get back, I'll rub...sand...in your dead little eyes.
Woodhouse: Very good, sir.
Archer: [pause] I also need you to buy sand.
Woodhouse: Yes, sir.
Archer: I don't know if they grade it, but... coarse.
Woodhouse: Very good, sir.
Archer: [pause] I also need you to buy sand.
Woodhouse: Yes, sir.
Archer: I don't know if they grade it, but... coarse.