American Dad! quotes
527 total quotes[Steve enters the bathroom, where Stan is about to "heal" himself]
Steve: Dad! There you are!
Stan: Of-Of course I'm here. Wh-Where would I be? Alone? Touching myself?
Steve: Yeah, right. Only perverts and Democrats do that.
Steve: Dad! There you are!
Stan: Of-Of course I'm here. Wh-Where would I be? Alone? Touching myself?
Steve: Yeah, right. Only perverts and Democrats do that.
[Steve is calling India]
Steve: Hello, India? Yeah, it's Pakistan. You know that nuclear peace treaty you sent over? Well, listen to this. [starts rubbing the phone receiver against his shoulder] Yeah, that's me wiping my butt with it. Oh, it is on. Meet me at the border at three o'clock.
[Roger takes the receiver from him]
Roger: Oh, and FYI, I'm punching a cow right now. [hangs up] That'll drive them crazy.
Steve: Hello, India? Yeah, it's Pakistan. You know that nuclear peace treaty you sent over? Well, listen to this. [starts rubbing the phone receiver against his shoulder] Yeah, that's me wiping my butt with it. Oh, it is on. Meet me at the border at three o'clock.
[Roger takes the receiver from him]
Roger: Oh, and FYI, I'm punching a cow right now. [hangs up] That'll drive them crazy.
[Steve is playing Dragonscuffle while Klaus is watching]
Klaus: Please, let me play!
Steve: I don't think you're ready yet.
Klaus: Not ready? I've been watching you for four years!
Steve: Night time. [covers his bowl with a cloth]
Klaus: I'm not a parrot. That trick won't work on- [snores]
Klaus: Please, let me play!
Steve: I don't think you're ready yet.
Klaus: Not ready? I've been watching you for four years!
Steve: Night time. [covers his bowl with a cloth]
Klaus: I'm not a parrot. That trick won't work on- [snores]
[Steve looks back to see a painting. he walks towards it]
Héctor Elizondo: Bewitching, isn't she?
Steve: I know you. Weren't you the concierge in Pretty Woman?
Héctor Elizondo: Yes. I'm Héctor Elizondo. I play the concierge in over 400 movies and TV pilots. Acting pays the bills so I can pursue my true passion. Conciergeing.
Héctor Elizondo: Bewitching, isn't she?
Steve: I know you. Weren't you the concierge in Pretty Woman?
Héctor Elizondo: Yes. I'm Héctor Elizondo. I play the concierge in over 400 movies and TV pilots. Acting pays the bills so I can pursue my true passion. Conciergeing.
[Steve, after tutoring a girl, tries to convince her that Roger, his "sister," is a burn victim]
Steve: I remember when my sister had her accident. Oh, did I not mention my sister, who was horrifically burned to over 98% of her body?
Kim: That's terrible!
Steve: Only her taint survived.
Steve: I remember when my sister had her accident. Oh, did I not mention my sister, who was horrifically burned to over 98% of her body?
Kim: That's terrible!
Steve: Only her taint survived.
[the family is dressed up and about to go to a banquet honoring minorities in America]
Stan: Can you believe we're going to meet Denzel Washington! He's like Harrison Ford dipped in chocolate!
Stan: Can you believe we're going to meet Denzel Washington! He's like Harrison Ford dipped in chocolate!
[The family is hiding in a cave]
Hayley: I'm exhausted.
Francine: I'm starving!
Hayley: I'm exhausted.
Francine: I'm starving!
[The family is in a lifeboat starving]
Hayley: We haven't eaten in four days. Damn it Mom! Why did you jump off the boat after dinner?
Francine: This isn't my fault. I just wanted us to spend some time together.
Hayley: [gasp] Steve's hiding food!
Steve: No! It's just a picture I took with some grapes.
[Everybody jumps him trying to take the picture from him]
Hayley: Give it to me!
Francine: Share it! You have to share it!
[Steve drops the picture in the ocean]
Stan: No! What are we gonna do for pictures of food now?!
Becky: [sees an island] Look!
Hayley: We haven't eaten in four days. Damn it Mom! Why did you jump off the boat after dinner?
Francine: This isn't my fault. I just wanted us to spend some time together.
Hayley: [gasp] Steve's hiding food!
Steve: No! It's just a picture I took with some grapes.
[Everybody jumps him trying to take the picture from him]
Hayley: Give it to me!
Francine: Share it! You have to share it!
[Steve drops the picture in the ocean]
Stan: No! What are we gonna do for pictures of food now?!
Becky: [sees an island] Look!
[the phone rings, a man picks it up]
Man: Yes?
Principal Lewis: [seriously] I'm afraid we have some chocolate in our peanut butter.
Man: Yes?
Principal Lewis: [seriously] I'm afraid we have some chocolate in our peanut butter.
[tires screech and a gunshot is heard off-screen while Stan and Francine are sleeping. Stan covers his ears and can't take the noise]
Stan: [sighs annoyedly] Jeff and Hayley are killing me.
Francine: [sleeping] I don't care if you are Sean Connery. That's my jet ski.
[Stan gets out of bed. Jeff and Hayley are watching TV and Jeff eats a piece of pizza]
Stan: You know what time it is.
Jeff: Shh.
Hayley: Dad, Jeff worked a long day. And now all he wants to do is watch Bones and relax.
Seeley Booth: Hey, Bones. Look at this bone.
Temperance Brennan: I know. But did you see this bone?
Booth: Where'd you find that bone?
Brennan: Same place you got your bone. It was just sitting there, next to this bone.
Woman: Dr. Brennan, bone call. They said it was important. Something about a bone.
[Stan rolls his eyes]
Stan: [sighs annoyedly] Jeff and Hayley are killing me.
Francine: [sleeping] I don't care if you are Sean Connery. That's my jet ski.
[Stan gets out of bed. Jeff and Hayley are watching TV and Jeff eats a piece of pizza]
Stan: You know what time it is.
Jeff: Shh.
Hayley: Dad, Jeff worked a long day. And now all he wants to do is watch Bones and relax.
Seeley Booth: Hey, Bones. Look at this bone.
Temperance Brennan: I know. But did you see this bone?
Booth: Where'd you find that bone?
Brennan: Same place you got your bone. It was just sitting there, next to this bone.
Woman: Dr. Brennan, bone call. They said it was important. Something about a bone.
[Stan rolls his eyes]
[US airport, Stan kisses the ground]
Hayley: Gee Dad, 24 hours ago you hated America.
Stan: Oh ha ha ha, shut the hell up Hayley.
But you know, I will admit America has its flaws.
Steve: Really Dad, like what?
[singing]
Stan: Well there's...
Free speech, and there's gun control, and lousy Democrats.
The media's too liberal and everyone's too fat.
The women have careers and form opinions of their own.
We let our wives control our lives...
Francine: Damn it's good to be home!
[family singing]
Our life's not always great, in these United States.
But remember boys and girls...
It's not the worst place in the world!
Steve: It's not the worst place in the world, yeah yeah.
Hayley: Gee Dad, 24 hours ago you hated America.
Stan: Oh ha ha ha, shut the hell up Hayley.
But you know, I will admit America has its flaws.
Steve: Really Dad, like what?
[singing]
Stan: Well there's...
Free speech, and there's gun control, and lousy Democrats.
The media's too liberal and everyone's too fat.
The women have careers and form opinions of their own.
We let our wives control our lives...
Francine: Damn it's good to be home!
[family singing]
Our life's not always great, in these United States.
But remember boys and girls...
It's not the worst place in the world!
Steve: It's not the worst place in the world, yeah yeah.
Wash, wash, wash your V-J,
Scrub, scrub, scrub your V-J,
Rinse, rinse, rinse your V-J,
Next, we'll do your tushie.
Wash, wash, wash, your tushie,
Scrub, scrub, scrub your tushie,
Rinse, rinse, rinse your tushie,
We just did your tushie.
Scrub, scrub, scrub your V-J,
Rinse, rinse, rinse your V-J,
Next, we'll do your tushie.
Wash, wash, wash, your tushie,
Scrub, scrub, scrub your tushie,
Rinse, rinse, rinse your tushie,
We just did your tushie.
What do you do when your mom's unhappy?
Jerry left her feeling crappy,
Sing her a shanty nice and snappy,
Wash her in the bathtub.
[Francine joins Roger at the door, smiling smugly as Roger continues to look on in horror]
Jerry left her feeling crappy,
Sing her a shanty nice and snappy,
Wash her in the bathtub.
[Francine joins Roger at the door, smiling smugly as Roger continues to look on in horror]