Tony: [Speaking of Abby] Ignore her, probie, she's suffering Gibbs withdrawal. Transferring it onto you because of a deep seated fear that Gibbs may withhold love and give her a first time head slap if he came back and saw his desk festooned in balloons and decorated like some tacky Tiki bar with messages of affection written possibly in blood. She ain't missin' you at all!

Tony: [speaks to woman delivering office mail] Hey there, Jen. You know, you are doing a great job. Keep it up you'll be a special agent in no time.
McGee: A little young, Tony.
Tony: Ease up, Nanny McPheeble. I'm just giving the kid a little vote of confidence.
Ziva: Yeah, McGee. If Tony was flirting he would be complimenting her blouse, not her work ethic.
Tony: See? Ziva knows.
Ziva: What we just witnessed here was a pathetic attempt to cultivate new sources for office gossip.
Tony: That is completely unfair!
Gibbs: Life isn't fair, DiNozzo. That's why we're here.

Tony: [standing at McGee's desk] This is definitely unusual.
Ziva: Unusual is the operative word.
McGee: [walks in out of the elevator] What are you two doing?
Tony: Don't play dumb, Tim. We're trained federal agents. We can see when something's up.
Ziva: And something is definitely up.
McGee: What are you two talking about?
Tony: The two computer monitors on your desk have been swapped. No one just up and changes their viewing angle. Something is up, McAnal Probie.
McGee: My monitors? That's what you're worried about?
Tony: We're not big on change around here.
McGee: Well I thought I would try something a little different today.
Tony: What makes today so special?
Ziva: We know that look, McGee. It is somewhere between melancholy and constipation.
Tony: Consternation.
Ziva: No, I actually meant that his mind looked clogged.

Tony: [Talking about Ziva] She's not doing a very good job. The body language is all wrong. Classic Ziva would've been more reckless, hair would've been more wild. She was very sexual then.
McGee: You think Ziva's less sexual now?
Tony: Compared to the Ziva I shared a bed with five years ago, yeah.
McGee: You guys were undercover. I mean, you were just putting on a show.
Tony: [Doesn't say anything, stares at Ziva]
McGee: You were putting on a show, right?
Tony: [Just looks at McGee and clears his throat]

Tony: [walks into Gibbs' house] Hello?
Franks: [pointing a gun at Tony's head] DiNozzo! You should have told me you were coming!
Tony: I called and you didn't pick up.
Franks: I'm not going to answer the phone! I'm a fugitive!
Tony: So what do you want me to do?!
Franks: Knock!
Tony: Why would I knock? There's no lock on that door!
Franks: Someone may be on the other side with a gun??
Tony: Why would someone be standing on the other side with a gun?!
Franks: Because there's no lock on the door!

Tony: A good flan is hard to make. Getting the right ratio of milk to vanilla to caramel.
Ziva: Can we stop talking about the flan?
Tony: What are you, anti-flan?

Tony: Abby's processing evidence from his office. She nearly bit my head off when I poked it into her lab to check on her.
McGee: Quit drinking caffeine.
Ziva: Abby?!
Tony: Abby Sciuto?

Tony: According to Abby's GPS coordinates, the killer was standing over there. Can't see any footprints.
Ziva: Yeah, knew not to leave a trace.
Tony: Yeah, unlike some people. You know, I'm gonna start charging your boyfriend minutes.
Ziva: Please tell me you have not spoken to Ray!
Tony: Okay, I haven't spoken to Ray.
Ziva: Unbelievable! You're supposed to be on my side.
Tony: Now look. The guy's desperate. What am I supposed to do?
Ziva: Just stay out of it!
Tony: Tell me what happened.
Ziva: He does not appreciate me. There.
Tony: If I had a dollar every time a woman said that to me.
Ziva: While he was overseas, you know, we stayed as connected as best as we could. Trying to make whatever we had, you know, just work. Now he was finally back and, uh, we planned this -- this lovely dinner, but he never showed, Tony. I waited in that restaurant, alone, for three hours. No text, no call, nothing. [sighs] When I saw him next, it was the following morning, and then he just said he got caught up with work.
Tony: Well.
Ziva: Look it just brought me back to when I was young how my father could be. There was always something more important and I was always left waiting for a...
Ziva: There's someone there.
Tony: Yeah.

Tony: All right, McNosy, what do you got?
McGee: From what I can gather, Gibbs and JoAnn Fielding are very estranged.
Ziva: The woman lost her daughter and granddaughter. Now her fiancé died in her arms and her former son-in-law is investigating! Show some sympathy!
Tony: Maybe she's cursed! Like a Kennedy!
McGee: Minus the grassy knoll.
Ziva: I heard about that! The shooter was really in the book suppository!
Tony: Depository.
Ziva: That's what I said.

Tony: Anyone, and I mean anyone, know when the air conditioner is getting fixed? What about the name of the genius who invented windows that don't open? Like, what are we on - a space ship? Windows should open!

Tony: Are we fighting?
Ziva: If we were you would be on the floor bleeding.
Tony: Okay, I accept that as a likely outcome.

Tony: Are you done yet? (Standing over McGee, eating a cookie. Wipes crumbs off of McGee's head)

Tony: Are you ready for the adventure of a lifetime?
Ziva: It is just a movie, Tony.
Tony: How dare you? [puts down popcorn and hands Ziva a drink] Is Mickey just a mouse? Ringling Brothers just a circus?
Ziva: Yes.
Tony: [chuckles] Well, you see, that's why you don't have any friends.
Ziva: I do have friends!
Tony: Really? Then what are you doing with me, watching a movie on a Friday night at work? Huh?
Ziva: You are my friend.
Tony: Really?
Ziva: No. My date canceled.
Tony: Mine, too. [They smile and begin to watch The Black Pirate]

Tony: Are you studying to become a naturalized American citizen?
Ziva: I have to if I want to become an agent.
McGee: Good for you, Ziva.
Tony: Who says we want her as an American?
Ziva: Who says you have a say?
Tony: A little thing called the Constitution!
Ziva: [sarcastically] Really? Where?
Tony: It's in there, and it talks about dangerous foreign aliens stealing our precious bodily fluids.
McGee: That's Dr. Strangelove.

Tony: Aren't you hot?
Ziva: [smirks] I've been told that before.
Tony: I'm talking about temperature!
Ziva: Stop complaining. This is what winter feels like in Israel.
Tony: Well, we're not in Israel. We're in the good, old U.S. of A, my little immigrant friend, where we like to embrace central air, not melanoma.