Tony: (after Gibbs takes the last cookie) That's so not right.

Tony: (focusing on strippers behind) How's that?
Abby: Well it's art but we kinda need a shot of her face.

Tony: (looking at McGee who is sleeping) Got any superglue, Abs?
(Gibbs walks in and headslaps Tony)
Gibbs: What did I tell you about that. DiNozzo?
Tony: The skin might not grow back.

Tony: (To Witness) Look, there is always something you remember about every woman, something you'll remember in twenty years time... something small and subtle... a piece of jewelry, a laugh... a smell.
Kate: Ugh, I feel like I've died and woke up in a Calvin Klein Ad.

Tony: Andiamo, bambina!
Ziva: Dove?
Tony: Gear up! We're leaving for Naples.
Ziva: [giggles] Naples, Italy?
Tony: Si. I'm going home to grab some clothes. You should do the same. We're hopping the military flight from Andrews Air Force Base.
Ziva: Is this one of your practical jokes?
Tony: Nope, Gibbs orders.

Tony: [after having evacuated the Navy Yard] That's everybody. You go, Ziva.
Ziva: No, I'm not going without you!
Season 10

Tony: [after Ziva turns off the sound from the interview room] Thanks. I was getting a headache.
Ziva: Really?? This is usually your favorite part. Getting to watch reality TV at work, as you call it.
Tony: Well, people change, Ziva.
Ziva: Yes. But not that quickly. And yet here we have this new Tony. Who arrives early, stays late, turns down advances from beautiful women, and has not made a single joke in the past, what, two days?
Tony: I haven't? Are you sure? Well, we're in the middle of a case.
Ziva: It has not stopped you before.
Tony: Well, it's stopping me now, and I'm sorry if you're losing sleep over it, but I can't be responsible for everyone's feelings!
Ziva: Everyone?
Tony: Everyone! You, and McGee, and the Brenda Bittner's of the world. Everyone!
Ziva: Brenda.
Tony: Yeah. Bittner. The girl who posted online that we were in a committed relationship last year.
Ziva: Yes! Yes, but if I remember correctly, the only thing you were committed to was a one night stand.
Tony: That's right. [clears throat] I just found out that she checked herself into a depression treatment facility after she wrapped her car around a tree. Nice one, huh?
Ziva: And you feel responsible.
Tony: No! I barely knew the girl. I'm just saying.
Ziva: Well, clearly she was a troubled woman.
Tony: It's clear now, isn't it?
Ziva: Still, it must be unsettling to think that you didn't notice at the time, especially since it is your job to help people who are in trouble.
Tony: I don't know why this has gotten under my skin like this. I mean, of all things. Maybe instead of having a mid-life crisis I'm having a mid-life crazy.
Ziva: Look, you are not crazy, okay? You are just -- [pauses] -- growing up. And some lessons are more painful as we grown older when the stakes are higher, but you need to find balance. And yes, yes, yes, yes! You need to treat people more respectfully, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. But you, need to be who you are.
Tony: Who am I?
Ziva: You are Tony DiNozzo. The class clown. That is why we love you.

Tony: [going through the trash] This can't be good. He cleaned out his desk, too.
Ziva: [whispers loudly, having seen McGee approach] Albatross! Albatross! [moves quickly to the large monitor, as though working]
Tony: Petty Officer Janet McCaffrey had a spotless record.
Ziva: Two deployments on two different ships: the Ontario and the Gentry.
McGee: [looking on suspiciously] So it's finally happened: you two are snooping together, as a team.
Ziva: We are merely curious and concerned.
Tony: Well, it's nothing you need to know about.

Tony: [He is inside the van] Last one to use the van should have to clean it out. Should be a rule.
Ziva: There is.
Tony: Well, who was the last one to use it?
Ziva: You were.
Tony: [Laughs] I don't think so, 'cause it smells like falafels and I know a certain back-up probie agent that smells a little falafely. You wanna' help?
Ziva: Sure.
Tony: Thank you.
Ziva: [Kicks the trash can over to Tony and walks over to Damon Werth]
Damon Werth: Probie?
Ziva: Yeah, I'm in the process of becoming a sworn NCIS agent.
Damon Werth: Don't you have to be an American citizen to join a federal agency?
Ziva: I'm also in the process of becoming an American citizen.
Damon Werth: And I thought you had to be a legal resident for, you know...
Ziva: [Interrupting] There are a few strings being tugged.
Tony: Pulled. Pull strings.
Damon Werth: Tug heart strings.
Ziva: The heart has strings?
Damon Werth: According to poets.
Tony: Don't confuse the girl. Taken a lot of marionetting to get her this far.
Damon Werth: And who's the puppet master?

Tony: [holding Ziva up on his shoulders as she bangs on the escape hatch] I'm so glad we broke protocol and took the elevator. Who's bright idea was that anyway?
Ziva: What?
Tony: Xenia Onatopp, the Bond villain from Goldeneye. Famke Janssen. She would kill men by squeezing her well shaped, muscular thighs. [cringes as Ziva squeezes his neck]
Ziva: I could think of worse ways to die. [pushes on hatch] I am almost there! We're stuck!
Tony: Keep pushing, thigh master. I'm starting to enjoy this.
Ziva: Something is blocking it. It is jammed. They're going to have to open it from the outside. [slides down Tony's back as the elevator shifts] We slipped.
Tony: Did we? I thought the earth moved.
Ziva: You're sweating.
Tony: It's hot in here.
Ziva: I had not noticed.
Tony: Really?

Tony: [in a newscaster voice] In a tragic story of obsessive hobbying turned deadly, an NCIS agent was discovered in his basement, crushed between a large homemade boat, and an even larger bottle of bourbon!

Tony: [looking at a heart] It's hard to believe they're so small sometimes.
Ducky: What's on your mind, Tony? You sound a little pensive.
Tony: I'm not pensive! What is it with everyone and that word? [realizes he's shouting] Sorry. I was --
Ducky: Would you like to talk about it?
Tony: You ever have something terrible happen to you and you think you've put it all behind you, but then the terrible comes back and it's more terrible than it was before?
Ducky: I'm confused.
Tony: So am I.
Ducky: Tony, it was very clear to me from the very first day I met you that you were a man in pain.
Tony: [scoffs] I'm sorry, I think you have me confused with someone else.
Ducky: No, your pain is as clear to me as Jethro's. He lost Shannon, the one love of his life, and you lost faith in yourself for so many reasons. Jethro coped with his pain by repeatedly marrying the wrong woman, thus ensuring that ultimately he would be alone and safe from heartbreak. You repeatedly chased the wrong woman. You're alone because you never did as you just said: put it all behind you.

Tony: [notices Ziva pacing] McGee, what's Ziva doing?
McGee: Memorizing her speech.
Tony: Speech?
McGee: Director Vance volunteered her to speak at a high school career day.
Tony: In what language, Vulcan?
Ziva: I can hear you, Tony. I do not need you making this worse. Back up.
McGee: I think you mean back off.
Tony: Why are you so uptight, Ziva?
Ziva: Public speaking is not my thing. It makes me nervous.
Tony: Nervous? What are you talking about? I've seen you take down armed terrorists without breaking a sweat.
Ziva: I'm trained for that.

Tony: [on the phone] I can't hear you, McGee. I'm in the basement.
McGee: Why?
Tony: Because I don't want to talk about the case in front of Leila and the kid.
Abby: Listen, Tony, this is really important. I need you to check the seams of the walls.
Tony: The walls?
Abby: Well do they appear to be removeable?
Tony: Huh.
McGee: Abby.
Abby: Or a tunnel, maybe?! It could be hidden under something on the floor. Something that looks like it doesn't belong.
Tony: Actually, I think Colonel Hogan has got a radio in the coffee pot, but the tunnel might have been filled in.

Tony: [refering to the Caf Pow] Is that number 2 or 3 today?
Abby: If you must know, it's number 4.
Tony: [holds up evidence bag] I brought you a present.
Abby: [smiles] And you wonder why you're still single.