Tony: Who was that?
Abby: Where?
Tony: On the phone.
Abby: Oh, um, it was the nuns.
McGee: Nuns?
Abby: Yeah, y'know, nuns with the big white hats and the --
McGee: Habits. Yeah, they're called habits, the white hats.
Abby: Yep, that's right. They called�� to say that bowling was canceled.
McGee: [amused] Bowling nuns.
Abby: Geez, McGee, what are you on some kind of anti-nun crusade here?

Tony: Why are you on top of me?
Ziva: I'm protecting you, Tony.
Tony: Don't.
Ziva: Well, you didn't seem to mind when we were undercover.
Tony: That might have something to do with the fact that you were naked.
Ziva: Perhaps if it were warmer in here, hmm?
Tony: Let me rephrase the question: why are you still on top of me? [Ziva smiles]

Tony: Why didn't you take this fast to me, Abby?
Abby: You're like a piercing, Tony, it takes awhile for the throbbing to stop and for the skin to grow back.
Tony: Well, that's more than I wanted to know.

Tony: Women want men to lie to them.
Ziva: Not true.
Tony: [In feminine voice] "Honey, does my butt look big in these pants to you?" [In masculine voice] "Actually, yes, sweetheart. Your butt looks as big as Alabama. Didn't want to say anything, but you got the 'Bama butt going on."

Tony: Wow! In that outfit, you could be NCIS cover girl.

Tony: You ever lie to someone you love, Ziva?
Ziva: Yes.
Tony: They ever forgive you?
Ziva: They never found out.
Tony: Mine found out.

Tony: You haven't met our hacker.
Ross Logan: He's good?
Ziva: Does a bear sit in the woods?
Ross Logan: Are you the crackerjack team on this job?
Tony: She's Israeli.
Ziva: Look, I know I got the bear thing right.

Tony: You just set off Gaydar across the entire Atlantic seaboard.

Tony: You know, I was thinking about becoming a doctor.
Kate: Really? You, a doctor?
Tony: Anthony DiNozzo, comma, M.D.
Kate: [laughs] Let me guess, a gynecologist?
Tony: Oooh... no. I was thinking more dermatologist. Normal hours, big bucks, never an emergency. I mean, nobody ever died from a zit.
McGee: I had a terrible case of acne as a kid.
Tony: Of course you did, Probie.

Tony: You really like small towns?
Kate: Peace and quiet. A place where people know you by name. No Blockbuster and Starbucks on every corner. What's not to like?
Tony: Too quiet, everybody knows your name, there's no Blockbuster and Starbucks on every corner.
Kate: Big cities just can't give you what small towns can, Tony. It's a simpler way of life, a slice of Americana.
Tony: One that doesn't include fifty yard line seats to the Redskins or women with full sets of teeth.
Kate: Yeah it always comes back to that doesn't it?
Tony: See... You do get me.

Tony: You remember when I stayed with you that time when it didn't really go so well.
Gibbs: Yeah, I remember, DiNozzo.
Tony: Well, I was younger then, immature, a little unfocused.
Gibbs: It was six months ago, Tony.

Tony: You want something to read?
Ziva: What do you have?
Tony: [pulls out a magazine] GSM. It's a men's magazine. Most women find it objectifies them.
Ziva: [pulls out same magazine in Hebrew] I read it on the plane. I especially liked the article on page fifty-seven. In my experience, it works every time.
Tony: [checks his copy] I-I always thought that was an urban legend.

Tony: You weren't seriously going to let her shoot me, were you?
Gibbs: Nah.
Tony: You had a plan, right?
Gibbs: [unconvincingly] Yeah.

Tony: Ziva! Hey! What the hell are you doing?
Ziva: I can disarm it.
Tony: Okay... Well, great. Let's go outside and talk about this.
Ziva: If it detonates before EOD gets here, we'll lose evidence.
Tony: Well, what a bummer! That would be a real shame. Ziva! Ziva! [running after her] This has to be the stupidest thing any human being has ever done!
Ziva: Then why are you following me, Tony?
Tony: I don't frickin' know!

Tony: 5 kids Craig was advising. Hi I thought you were in Miami. You look positively awlpine.
Ziva: He came to me. We went skiing again this time to Vermont.
Tony: Vermont that's so quant they have all those lovely little country inns and uhh, cozy fires and sticky syrup that gets every where.
Ziva: He enjoys nature and I discovered that he's a fantastic cook he made this whoow delicious awzooboko.
Tony: Aren't you lucky so he's a real renasaunce man.
Ziva: He is an expierence man who knows how to enjoy life there is a difference.
McGee: So when do we get to meet him and please tell us his name.
Tony: Oh, no please let me guess. Zeus uhh Thor.
Ziva: His name is Ray.
Tony: Ray what a nice little name. Ray like Ray Crock or Ray Charles or Sugar Ray.
Ziva: Umm, I promise you Ray is a good man.