Tony: I feel like I just kissed my sister.
Abby: I didn't know you had a sister Tony.
Tony: I don't. I was fantasizing.
Abby: I need music to do that.

Tony: I had no choice.
Ziva: That's a lie.
Tony: Why would I lie to you, Ziva?
Ziva: To save your worthless ass.
Tony: From who, Vance? Mossad?
Ziva: You jeopardized your entire career and for what?
Tony: For you. He was playing you Ziva.
Ziva: And for some reason you felt it was your job to protect me?
Tony: I did what I had to do.
Ziva: You killed him!
Tony: If I hadn't you'd be having this conversation with him. But maybe that's the way you'd prefer it?
Ziva: Perhaps I would.
Tony: Okay, why don't you just get this out -- you want to take a punch, take a swing. Get it out of your system! Go ahead, do it!!
Ziva: Be careful Tony, because much like Michael, I only need one.
Tony: And that's what you're really angry about isn't it? That's what's bothering you. It's not that he's dead, it's that your Mossad boyfriend got his ass kicked by a chump like me.
Ziva: You took advantage of him.
Tony: He attacked me, what was I supposed to do? [Ziva knocks Tony down]
Ziva: You saw a glass table, you pushed him back. You dropped him on it. He was impaled in the side by a shard of glass. Bloody. Gasping for air.
Tony: I see you read my report.
Ziva: I memorized it! You could have left it at that. You could have walked away, but no, you let him up. You put a bullet in his chest.
Tony: You weren't there.
Ziva: You could have put one in his leg.
Tony: You-weren't-there.
Ziva: But I should have been.
Tony: You loved him?
Ziva: I guess I'll never know. [walks away leaving Tony on the ground]

Tony: I knew it. I'm gonna die. I inhaled it. God! Definitely didn't picture my demise like this. I always figured I'd go out like Cagney in White Heat. Fiery explosion. Or Redford and Newman. Butch Cassidy. Hail of bullets.
Gibbs: Or Charlie Chaplin in The Gold Rush.
Tony: How'd he die?
Gibbs: Silently.

Tony: I need all the evidence I signed in this morning, Charlene.
Evidence Clerk Charlene: What?
Tony: The evidence I signed in. NOW!

Tony: I really liked her.
Kate: ATF agent involved in illegal weapons and murder - what's not to like?
Tony: So quick to judge, Kate. Sure she has flaws, sure she's going to prison, but my instincts tell me she had good qualities as well.
Kate: Two of them wouldn't happen to live under her shirt, would they?

Tony: I smell a non-fat soy double-cross latte.

Tony: I think Sa'id copied Paula's key without her knowing it. 
Gibbs: Now which brain is thinking that, DiNozzo?
Tony: (visibly angry with Gibbs) I'm hitting the rack. 

Tony: I think you have me confused with someone who is far less awesome.

Tony: I want double overtime for this, boss. That kid's a nightmare.
Gibbs: He reminds me of you.

Tony: I'll take it. I've always wanted a dog. [The dog growls and tries to bite him.]
Kate: Good dog. I think I'll call you Tony.
Gibbs: It's a bitch, Kate.
Kate: I know.

Tony: I'm not getting any reception. How about you?
Ziva: I'm bra-less.
Tony: I noticed that earlier, but on your phone they're bars.
Ziva: Don't you have anything better to do than correct my English?

Tony: I'm sorry you got caught in the middle of all this.
Jeanne: Was any of it real?
Tony: No.

Tony: I'm sorry, but the correct answer is Full Metal Jacket.
Ziva: That is not the best Marine movie. A Few Good Men is.
Tony: Based on the fact that I am right, I'm overruling you.

Tony: Ice? That means...
Ziva: You're now going to make a really juvenile cold case joke.
Tony: It was a really good one too.

Tony: If things get hairy, just follow my lead.
Ziva: I don't need a babysitter, Tony, I have been in hundreds of these situations.
Tony: Never with me. As far as I'm concerned, you're a probie.
Ziva: I've never had sex with you either - does that mean I'm a virgin?