Tony: [while attempting to guess what McGee's first car was, McGee starts to reply] If you say Datsun Honeybee, I'm gonna come over there and smack you.

Tony: A dead transsexual sailor, his spook instructor and a pair of human eyes walk into a bar, what's the punchline Kate?
Kate: Whatever it is, it involves this girl and Paraguay.
Tony: That's true, but not very funny. Probie! Make me laugh!
McGee: Okay, the bartender doesn't believe it so he asks the spook instructor 'what the hell is going on?' And the guy says 'what, guy can't have a drink with his pupils?'

Tony: A law firm in London wants me to call them. Says it's important.
Ziva: What could they want?
Tony: I don't know. Maybe it's about my Uncle Clive. You remember that funeral I went to last month?
Ziva: Your uncle really died? I thought you were making that up to get some time off.

Tony: Abby! Front and center. You too, Ziva. Let's go! I know what happened.
[Abby and Ziva start talking at the same time.]
Tony: Hey! If there's going to be any bitch slapping on this team, I'll do it. Clear? Good. Now shake hands. Shake.
[Abby and Ziva reluctantly shake hands]
Tony: There we go. That wasn't so tough, was it? Now how about a little hug? Big buddy hug. Come on.
[They hug.]
Tony: Now a deep tongue kiss.
[Both women hit Tony.]
Tony: Now we feel better.

Tony: Any good tips? On the case?
Det. Sparr: You're here because I didn't return your call.
Tony: It would have been nice, yeah.
Det. Sparr: Well, when I'm in the middle of an investigation, I don't return social calls.
Tony: What makes you think it was social?
Det. Sparr: The way you stared at my ass the other day.
Tony: How do you know my interest in your ass wasn't purely professional?

Tony: Aren't you guys interested at all in what I brought you back from Puerto Rico?
Gibbs and Kate: [sighing] Sure. Fine.
[Tony grins and hands them a couple bags, Kate looks in hers]
Kate: You gotta be kidding.
Tony: A bikini. Two-piece.
Kate: A bottom. And a hat??
Tony: Puerto Rican!
Gibbs: Any chance you're going to try that on?
Kate: [tosses it at Gibbs] You first.
Gibbs: [looks over the bikini bottom] Trust me. It's not gonna fit.
Kate: Pigs. I work with pigs.
Tony: [as Gibbs is opening his gift] It's a fantasy RPG book. Complete with character sheets and dice. Baby steps, Gibbs. Baby steps.
Gibbs: It's in Spanish.
Tony: There's just no pleasing you, is there?

Tony: Boss, we've already been through all of this! I mean, I got no leads, Ziva's flirted with every seaman on the base, and McGee's watched a hundred hours of Petty Officer Junction.
McGee: Hundred and fifty, actually.

Tony: Crash and burn, only a matter of time.
Ziva: What?
Tony: Not a what. A whom. Colonel Mann, Gibbs. Army/Navy joint operation.
Ziva: Could last a lifetime.
Tony: Behind the torture techniques and the contract killings, you're really just a...
Ziva: A whom?
Tony: Whom? Not a whom, it's more, it's a what.
Ziva: A what, then?
Tony: What then? Uh... what? What...
Ziva: I'm still just a what?
Fred Rinnert: A girl.
[both stop and look at him in surprise]

Tony: Did I miss something?
Ziva: Gibbs just found his fourth ex-wife.

Tony: Didn't we get our fill of secret agendas and lying and manipulation during the previous administration?
Ziva: Look, I, too, had hoped things would be different by now.
Tony: I'd like to go up and give Vance a piece of my mind.
Ziva: The way you're losing it, I don't think you have enough to spare!
Tony: I'd take that toothpick of his and shove it up the SecNav's cigar.
Ziva: You have had enough of this job, then.
Tony: I like the job. I don't like the politics. Wasn't kidding about that part earlier.
Ziva: If you had ever had some military training, then maybe you would have learned to follow orders.
Tony: What, like you? We were given a direct order not to engage. I recall that you were the first one to throw a punch.
Ziva: It was a reflex!
Tony: Hmm. Really? Then what happened after? The last thing I remember before the lights went out was you Kimbo Slicing through a room full of guards. Was that a reflex?
Ziva: Yes! It was! Gunshot went off. I saw you -- [long pause]
Tony: I'm tired of pretending.
Ziva: So am I.

Tony: Ever tell your dad what you were up to Probie?
McGee: Everyday!
Tony: ...Wrong person to ask.

Tony: Every time I bring a date home, my neighbor complains about the noise.
Ziva: What... her shouting "no means no!"? Actually I have the same problem.
Tony: Oh, you have surround sound too?
Ziva: No, I'm what you Americans call a 'screamer', yes?

Tony: Excuse me. You'll need to stand clear so I can take measurements for my crime scene sketches. Thanks.
Kate: Sketches? You've taken a dozen photos.
Tony: [Picks up a men's magazine] Tell me her measurements.
Kate: You're pathetic.
Tony: No, I'm serious. Can you tell if she's 5'4 and a 34C or 5'7 and a 36D? You can't. Not from a photo. That's why we do sketches and take measurements. Thanks.
[Later]
Ducky: I thought your photo analysis was brilliant, Tony, but isn't 36D a bit of wishful thinking?
Tony: You think?

Tony: Fell asleep working on your boat again?
Gibbs: Why'd you say that, DiNozzo?
Tony: Boss, I know the farm report when I hear it.

Tony: Five years with Gibbs; I'm amazed the guy didn't end up in a strait jacket.
Gibbs: What was that?
Tony: Nothing, boss. Just praising your communication skills.