Tony: [seeing McGee in the elevator waiting for Gibbs] And here I thought being sent to the principal's office was bad.

Tony: [singing] Baa, baa, black ship... have you any wool?... Yes, sir, yes, sir... but in order to see it, you're gonna need top-secret government clearance...

Tony: [standing up on desk, yelling] Excuse me. K listen up everybody, I need your full attention here. Lenny, Squiggy, Q-Tip, Q-Bert, Bungo Straight, Vertical Bill, can you hear me back there? [says to hot girl] Oh hi Natalie, hi. You look very nice today. [resumes yelling] I have lost my wallet. So, if you've seen it, please return it to me. There will be no judgment, maybe even a small reward.
[everyone looks annoyed as they turn back to work, Tony sees Gibbs standing next to the desk he is on]
Tony: Hi boss, I lost my... [jumps down from desk] You're going to say mind or marbles...
Gibbs: Job.

Tony: [talking about Gibbs, in flashback] Who'd wanna be a navy cop? I'd rather have the plague.

Tony: [talking on the webcam to McGee, he puts on a pirate-ish Irish accent] Ah, life in the ocean blue, me hearties. If the scurvy don't get you, the pox will. And tell me this, me little McShipmate, how is that scurrilous, blackhearted, pirate king of ours, Captain One-Shot Gibbs?
Gibbs: [walking on-sceen, but Tony can see him.] I'm just fine, DiNozzo.
Tony: [startled] Oh! Um... ah. [headslaps himself] There you go, boss. Welcome aboard.
Gibbs: Got work to do.
Tony: I'm on it, boss. What am I on, McGee?
McGee: Are you alone?
Tony: Oh, yeah! Just me and 5000 of my closest friends. I AM NEVER ALONE! [looks over shoulder, then whispers] I really need to come home, boss.
Gibbs: Working on it.

Tony: [to Gibbs] When you're a computer geek invading dungeons and fighting ogres, Jethro doesn't cut it. [look from Gibbs] ... Neither does Tony.

Tony: [to Jeanne after discussing their relationship] If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you always got. And while what I got had its perks, I'm looking for something different now.

Tony: [to McGee, as they work the crime scene] If it's any consolation, probie, I had my identity stolen once.
McGee: Really?
Tony: I had a charge on my Visa for a vintage Barbie doll. 'Career-girl' outfit?
McGee: Ooh, with the matching briefcase and pumps?
[Tony slowly gives him a stare]
McGee: [falters] Oh, well, um... I-- I had a-- a girlfriend who collected once. We used to... line them up on...
Tony: I lost respect for you at the word... "pumps". Get back to work...

Tony: [to Ziva, teasing] You set this up, didn't you?
Ziva: I would never...! Okay, maybe I would, but I didn't.

Tony: [to Ziva] You know, McGee is really starting to nail your essence, here; '[in a low voice from McGee's book] Stakeouts. Long, endless hours fueled by cheap food and even cheaper coffee, but tonight Mossad Officer Lisa didn't seem to mind, because she was getting to spend it with Agent Tom... You're behind me again, aren't you?
Ziva: Lucky guess. [Tony grunts] You know, I think McGee is right.
Tony: He was, was he.
Ziva: It takes almost all of my willpower to resist the urges I have when I'm around you, Tony. Maybe, it's about time I just... give in, yes?
Tony: And by "give in", you mean...
Ziva: Letting loose! Doing what comes naturally to me.
Tony: Yeah, I thought I was picking up that vibe the first time we went undercover together.
Ziva: You were? In fact, I almost did it the first night in the hotel room.
Tony: Mhhm. Really?
Ziva: But my father would not approve.
Tony: Because I'm not Jewish?
Ziva: [laughing] Because gets very angry when I kill a co-worker.
Tony: Ha! Like I believed you for even a second.
Ziva: I'm sure you didn't.
Gibbs: You two done playing grab-ass?
Ziva: Oh, he started it!
Gibbs: I'm ending it.

Tony: [Trying to identify a sound] Train tracks?
Abby: Yes, that would be the obvious choice, but there isn't a second thunk or a thack, not even a thock on the track.
Tony: You've been reading a lot of Dr. Seuss books?
Abby: You know I love me some Theodore Geisel.

Tony: [Upon seeing the name of the park's general store] Jackrabbit Slim's?
Ziva: Just like the diner in Pulp Fiction?
Tony: [pauses, giving her an odd look] You don't know how to say 'porcupine', but you know the diner from Pulp Fiction?
Ziva: Believe it or not, we actually have movie theaters in my country.

Tony: [watching an arrest in MTAC] An NCIS production. Presented by Leroy Jethro Gibbs. [On screen, FBI agents are running into building] Starring, as per usual, the FBI.

Tony: [watching as Ziva disarms a bomb] I can see down your shirt right now.
Ziva: I don't think your new girlfriend would like that.
Tony: What are you talking about? I don't know what you're talking about.
Ziva: I'm talking about you, and the fact that you no longer stare at every woman when they pass you by.
Tony: Well, I'm looking down your shirt right now.
Ziva: See anything good?
Tony: Yeah. Real good, but I'm not entirely sure it's worth dying -- [winces as Ziva cuts a wire] -- over.
Ziva: Not worth dying over. [zips up her jacket] I'll remember that.
Tony: What if I said it was?
Ziva: Now you'll never know.

Tony: [watching Langer leave] What an ass.
Ziva: [looking down admiringly] Yes, indeed.
Tony: You're Langer-leering. You're leering at Langer.
Ziva: Why not? He's cute.
Tony: He -- he's not cute, he's --
Ziva: [puts her finger over Tony's mouth] Shh. Don't speak.
Tony: [impressed] Bullets Over Broadway. Woody Allen.
Ziva: Very good, Tony. You get a B in my class.
Tony: I could teach your class.