Tony: [after Gibbs dope-slaps him] You know, repeated head trauma causes brain damage.
McGee: Explains a lot.
Tony: Is this side of my head bigger?
Ziva: Yes. But so is the other side.

Tony: [after hitting the comic book McGee's reading] Does that make you wanna hit me?
McGee: It's really tempting. But I think I'm gonna pass. [Ziva walks in] Maybe Ziva'll do it.
Ziva: Maybe Ziva will do what?
Tony: I've been working on my six-pack. You know? Abs.
Ziva: You and Abby have been drinking?
Tony: No, abdominals. No more beer gut for me. I've been training hardcore. Hitting the core hard. Carved. Hard as wood.
McGee: To match your head.

Tony: [after riding a horse all day] Ohhh, can you get nerve damage in your buttocks?
Gibbs: You're gonna feel worse in the morning.

Tony: [after Ziva tells him about her sister's death] Is that why you joined Mossad?
Ziva: I was Mossad long before Tali's death. Old...
Tony: Family tradition?
Ziva: Israeli sense of duty.
Tony: So come on. Who recruited you? Father? Uncle? Brother? Boyfriend?
Ziva: Aunt. Sister. Lesbian lover.

Tony: [as Norman Bates] My mother isn't quite herself today... [to Ziva, explaining] Psycho.
Ziva: You certainly have your moments!
Tony: A movie, Ziva.
[...]
Tony: [as Norman Bates] Blood, blood!
Ziva: [to Gibbs] Psycho.
Gibbs: He has his moments.

Tony: [As Tommy Lee Jones] All right, listen up, people. Our fugitive has been on the run for ninety minutes.
Ziva: It has been three hours, Tony.
Tony: Average foot speed over uneven ground, barring injuries, is 4 miles per hour.
Ziva: He's not on foot, he's in a car!
Tony: What I need out of each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in the area. Our fugitive has a name. And it is...
Gibbs: Corporal Damon Werth.
McGee: Hey, the Tommy Lee Jones speech... every time we have a fugitive? Really?

Tony: [As Tommy Lee Jones] Ladies and gentlemen. I want a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, doghouse and outhouse in the area. You got that? Good! Now turn off those cameras and get out of the way!
McGee: Accent's still not right.
Tony: Damn.

Tony: [catches Ziva laughing at a reality TV show] I thought this show was just mindless entertainment?
Ziva: It's called research, Tony, and I am merely looking for a lead.
Tony: Well, this is just the beginning. Before you know it, you'll be sitting at home, eating a large box of chocolates, watching the Food Network on your 50 inch plasma.
Ziva: We're not all so easily corrupted. Take McGee for example. He's been raised in America for his entire life and he barely turns the television on. Tell him, McGee!
Tony: Yeah, tell him, McGee.
McGee: Well, it depends on what you consider rarely. I might watch 20 minutes here or there.
Tony: Tell her what you do the rest of the time, probie.
McGee: That's not TV.
Tony: He pretends to be a fairy in an online computer game.
Ziva: [shocked]
McGee: It's an elf lord.
Tony: [laughing] Whatever.
Gibbs: Keller didn't commit suicide, he was murdered. [looks at Ziva and Tony] What the hell are you two doing?! Find out why!
McGee: Boss, I think I might have something.
Gibbs: ...Are you waiting for me to guess, elf lord?

Tony: [doing Sean Connery impression] He has a license to kill, McGee.
Ziva: He has full diplomatic immunity.

Tony: [naked, to an Iguana that crawled into bed with him, with gun drawn] Halt!
[Kate and Gibbs hear him and rush in the room, guns drawn until noticing what happened]
Kate: [speechless]
Gibbs: I need coffee.

Tony: [on the phone to sperm bank] DiNozzo, big D, little I, big N, little ozzo.

Tony: [reading his fortune cookie message] Love is for the lucky and the brave. Why is that for me?
Danny: Hey man, asking your high school music teacher out qualifies as brave in my book.
Tony: Wendy asked me out, remember?
Danny: See, that's why you can dress like that. 'Cause you're good-looking, but one of these days, the looks are going to run out.
Tony: I plan to be safely married by then.
Danny: Well if not, you might want to consider a new wardrobe. Seriously. Yeah, with the right clothes, you'd be unstoppable.

Tony: [referring to Ducky's elderly mother] Her last words to me were either "I'm gonna slit your throat" or "kiss your moat." I couldn't tell 'cause she was slurring.

Tony: [Referring to the serial killer] Someone wasn't hugged enough as a child.

Tony: [Referring to Ziva teasing him] You're enjoying this a lot, aren't you?
Ziva: Oh... Yes.