Palmer: You guys, just give me one hint as to what Abby has planned. It is my bachelor party, okay? I have a right to know.
Tony: Sorry. She swore us to secrecy, and she scares me more than you.
Palmer: God. I think I made a big mistake making her my best man.
McGee: Relax, Jimmy. Everything is fine. Just make sure you're up on your hepatitis vaccinations.
Palmer: Hepatitis?
Tony: And get a good pair of knee pads.
McGee: And a good helmet.
Palmer: [laughs nervously] You guys are messing with me.
Tony: Are we? Two words.
McGee: Abby Sciuto.

Palmer: You're very calm.
Abby: I am. If I keep going to Crazytown every time one of you gets hurt, I'm going to have to have my mail forwarded.

Paula Cassidy: I'm not convinced that it wasn't this guy. I mean, how do we know Ducky didn't make a mistake?
Ziva: Tony.
Tony: Because Ducky doesn't make mistakes, Paula.
Ziva: Which means what you saw yesterday was, by definition, mistaken.
Paula Cassidy: Look, even if he did die the day before, it doesn't mean he wasn't involved. Right? Tony?
Tony: She does have a valid point, Ziva.
Paula Cassidy: We don't even know what his cause of death is. For all we know he could've committed suicide!
Ziva: A suicide bomber who commits suicide before his bombing? That doesn't make any sense!
Tony: No! It doesn't! But it does raise an interesting point. Imagine, if you will, ladies. An assisted suicide of a suicide bomber who suicided before his suicide bombing. It's kinda like how many chucks could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wo--
Gibbs: [Head-slaps Tony] DiNozzo, what the hell is wrong with you?
Tony: I am just trying to lighten the mood of the room a little bit, boss.
Gibbs: I got a better way: Leave. And take her with you.
Ziva: That works for me.
Paula: Works for me, too, David.
Ziva: Da-veed!

Penelope Langston: Agent Gibbs, I always knew my grandson would introduce us, but I could never have imagined it would be like this. You failed to tell me that he is so handsome, Timothy. Great eyes.

Perry: Any word on my immunity?
Tony: Well, I hear zinc lozenges help, but you might want to try some vitamin C or echinacea. Oh, you mean your immunity? No.

Rabb: There are enough holes in this case to raise reasonable doubt.
Lt. Cmdr. Coleman: There is also enough evidence to tie you to the murders and a string of witnesses. Your colleagues will testify to angry words between you and Lieutenant Singer right up to the time of her death.
Rabb: Well, it could be worse, I guess.
Coleman: How?
Rabb: I could not have an alibi.
Coleman: [in annoyance] You have an alibi?
Rabb: No.

Rachel: Why do you think you keep getting involved with dysfunctional women?
Tony: [angrily] What?
Rachel: Well, the women you date are messed up.
Tony: I date all kinds of women!
Rachel: You know, I think you're drawn to them because you want to help them.
Tony: I am drawn to them because usually they're pretty hot!
Rachel: Tony. Admit it. You like hot girls who carry guns.
Tony: Who doesn't like hot girls who carry guns?!

Ray: You know, I want Ziva's friends to become my friends. She's told me how close the two of you are.
Tony: [Laughing] I wouldn't say that.
Ray: She says you're like a brother to her.
(Tony looks troubled)

Receptionist: Can I help you?
Tony: [pouring on the charm] I'm sure you can. I'm Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, NCIS. You can call me Tony. We'd like to talk to Dr. Chalmers, uh, [leans in very close to read her name tag] Darlene.
Receptionist: [melting] Okay.
Kate: Why don't you just give her a breast exam?
Tony: In good time.

Rick: What's going on? Hey! Hey! Stop pointing the gun at my wife!
Ziva: She tried to rat on us.
Tony: She means rabbit.
Ziva: Rabbit, yes!

Roy: Lieutenant Roy Sanders, Sir. I need you to investigate a murder.
Gibbs: Whose?
Roy: [pulls out a clump of his own hair] Mine.

Roy: Sorry, felt a little dizzy.
Ziva: I have to get you into bed. Oh, I ...
Roy: I'm not saying anything.
Ziva: Sorry, it's the English.

Roy: Table's cold.
Ducky: None of my other patients ever complained.
Roy: Sorry, thought it might be nice for you to have someone to talk to for a change.
Ducky: Oh, I always talk to my guests. The difference here is, you talk back.

Roy: Would you think you'd have noticed... that I was no longer there? That I'd stopped running.
Ziva: Yes. I would've noticed... I would have missed seeing you.
Roy: But eventually you'd have forgotten me.
Ziva: Yes... [takes Roy's hand] I won't forget you now.

Sacks: Do you realise the kind of trouble you're in here, DiNozzo?
Tony: Oh, believe me. I do. Do you realise that you have an enormous clump of something green between your teeth?
[After the interrogation]
Sacks: This guy is implicated in a homicide and he's making jokes!
Fornell: You've never worked with NCIS before, have you, Agent Sacks?