Mr. Rogers: [after Ziva knocks on his door] There's no candy here!
Ziva: NCIS! We don't want any candy!
Tony: Speak for yourself, David. Open up or we'll send the kids in!

Mrs. Mallard: [eyeing Tony suspiciously] I have a knife in my brassiere.

Neighborhood kid: Korby was awesome. He came up with new practical jokes every Halloween. Nothing dangerous. I mean, no razor blades. He'd freeze all kinds of stuff, blow things up. It was funny.
Ted Rogers: And illegal!
Ziva: And you are?
Ted: Ted Rogers. I live across the street. First he drove us crazy with his pranks, now he dies in his driveway!
Tony: Well, it sounds like you've got a problem in your neighborhood, Mr. Rogers. That's a nice sweater, by the way.

Nelson: Do I need a lawyer?
Gibbs: Only if you're feeling guilty.

Nick: (To Ziva) Smoking hot chick! Can she come too?
(Ziva smiles and looks at Tony)

Nikki Jardine: Um, Ziva? I don't know if I should say anything or not, but I saw Tony putting something under your car --
Ziva: What? When?
Nikki Jardine: What, I don't know. When? This morning.
Ziva: Ha! I told you, I told you he could not be trusted! [rushes out]
McGee: Was Tony really messing with her car?
Nikki Jardine: No. Tony just told me to tell Ziva that when I saw her.

Niles: Wow, I'm amazed you found that.
McGee: Actually, I didn't. Our forensic scientist, Abby Scuito, did.
Niles: Wow, this Scuito, she must be hot.
[...]
Gibbs: He wanted us to look for a body.
McGee: We still would be if Abby hadn't found the hinky blood trail.
Niles: Man, I got to meet this woman.
McGee: She's probably not your type. Tattoos, piercings, dark make-up...
Niles: She Goth?
McGee: Uh-huh.
Niles: I love Goth.

Nora: You are so direct. So honest. So different from him.
Ziva: Tony and I have different approaches.
Nora: You're complimentary. You're sure you two never --
Ziva: No. Positive. Definitely no. Why do you keep on asking about Tony and I?
Nora: You're like me and Daniel. A good fit. Besides, Paris is a romantic city and you two shared a room, so I --
Ziva: I took the couch. Otherwise Tony would have whined the entire flight about his back. [smiles]
...
McGee: Hey, in Paris, who got stuck with the couch?
Tony: Me. We flipped a coin.
McGee: Tough break. (walks away)
Ziva: Why did you just lie to McGee?
Tony: Why did you lie to Nora?

Palmer: [as he's leaving the scene, and the team is coming in] I'd take an umbrella if you go in there.

Palmer: [to a dead body] I'm going to have to lock you up for the night, Commander.
Abby: [in a deep voice] NO! Don't put me back in the dark!
[Palmer jumps back]
Palmer: Abby! You made me almost...
Abby: [smiling] I made you almost what...? [in a deep voice] Jimmy?

Palmer: How do you do it?
Gibbs: Hmm?
Palmer: Block out fear.
Gibbs: You don't. It's what you do with it.

Palmer: Yeah, most people don't know this, but financial disputes, second-leading cause of divorce.
Ducky: Really? What's number one?
Gibbs: Marriage.

Palmer: Doctor Mallard, I've been holding on to the body for the family. No one ever contacted us.
Ducky: Well, claiming the remains of wanted men has always been taboo, Mr. Palmer. Forensic historians have shown more interest in their bodies than family members. That's why John Wilkes Booth has always been a fascination for me. You see, his --
Gibbs: Duck, you're not here, remember?
Ducky: Yes, but I am alive, and until I am embalmed and buried there will be stories to tell, and I look forward to telling them.

Palmer: It wasn't sand sand, like good sand. It was bad sand. Very bad sand. It made me break out in red welts.
Ducky: It wasn't the sand, Mr. Palmer, but the sand mite.
Palmer: The sand might what?
Ducky: The sand mite bit you.
Palmer: Sand bites?
Ducky: Well, sand mites might bite.
Palmer: I'm grammatically lost.
Ducky: But medically found. The tiny crustacean known as the mite. M-i-t-e.

Palmer: Perhaps it's time we took a little rest.
Ducky: We will rest when we are dead. Until then, consider John Paul Jones.
Palmer: The Led Zeppelin bassist?
Ducky: No, the naval hero of the American Revolution. He was almost forgotten when he was buried in Paris is 1792. Over a century later President Theodore Roosevelt went to great lengths to locate Jones, exhume his body, and bring him back to America.
Palmer: Home.
Ducky: Precisely. We take great solace in knowing where our heroes are buried.