[Diane has decided to use Sam's sex life as the subject for her psychology paper]
Diane: At what age did you have your first sexual encounter?
Sam: Oh, alright, that's more like it. Okay, uh...[looks at her notes] "Trevor � A Case Study". Who, who's Trevor?
Diane: That's you.
Sam: You're not gonna use my name?
Diane: Of course not.
Sam: So... I do all the work and this "Trevor" guy gets the credit?
Diane: Sam this is not your resumé. In a psychological treatise real names are never used.
Sam: Yeah, but at least I should be able to choose my own name. I mean, how ‘bout "Duke"?
Diane: This is my paper and I like Trevor.
Sam: Alright, alright. Well, where were we? You, uh, wanted to know about my first time, right?
Diane: Yes. How old were you?
Sam: Well, uh, boy, I'm not sure. Uh, I know I couldn't get to her house until the crossing guard showed up. Wow. First time is kind of hard to remember. What about your first time?
Diane: I'm the scientist, Sam. My first time has nothing to do with this. Now, what about your second encounter?
Sam: Well, that would be the crossing guard.

[Diane's class is visiting the bar to meet "Trevor"]
Sam: Let's open up this discussion a little bit. What's your name, son?
Barry: Barry.
Sam: Barry. Alright, Barry, why don't you tell me, uh, what you do when you meet, uh, a girl for the first time.
Barry: Well, I, I talk to her... and I let her know that I respect her as a human being. I ask her out without putting any pressure on her and then I let the relationship grow naturally.
Sam: [laughs] Well, we all have some pretty crazy ideas when we're young. Okay, uh, can anyone tell me where Barry went off the beam?

[Franklin "Brig" Howe has sent Rebecca to pack her things]
"Brig" Howe: In the meantime, I'll just stay here and wait. Give me a beer.
Norm: [shows his empty mug] Sir, did I ever tell you that I was in the Coast Guard?
"Brig" Howe: Coast Guard, huh? Well you must be very proud, Miss.
Norm: So, buy a girl a drink?

[Gary has walled up the bar; the Irish band has arrived; Sam won't give up]
Sam: All we need is � uh, what � a little winning attitude, right? A little positivity. [to the Irish band] Hey, fellas, do me a favor. Play us a little something to get us in the mood.
Irish band: [singing] "They broke into our Dublin home, the dirty English dogs. They took away my sister and they beat my Da with logs. Limey scum, limey scum, I toss a bomb and still they come." Everybody! "Limey scum, limey scum..."

[Lilith is frustrated because her mother is controlling her]
Cliff: Still can't get your mother off your back, huh? It's very difficult for me to relate to.
Lilith: [sarcastically] Really?
Cliff: Oh, yeah. Ma and I don't have any problems. You know, in fact, most people find it's hard to tell that we're even related. Folks down at Club Med are very surprised when they find out we're mother and son... shocked even.

[Norm is afraid he'll have to sleep with Dot Carroll, the IRS agent, to prevent the audit of his taxes.]
Cliff: Relax, Norm. I've been brainstorming. I've come up with a plan.
Norm: I'm desperate. I'll try anything. Come on.
Cliff: Tell you what, here's the plan: I go to the hotel in your place, right? I reach in, flick off the light, say "Room service for Dot Carroll". In the meantime, I got a big bag full of wild squirrels with sparklers attached to their tails. I drop 'em in the room; they run around terrified, setting off the alarms and the sprinklers... OK? In the ensuing hub-bub, she forgets all about her little date with you. Trust me - you think a cold shower's a mood killer? Try a bag of wild squirrels.
Norm: Thanks, Cliff, but you don't have to go to the trouble.
Cliff: That's all right... I already got the squirrels.

[Rebecca passionately kisses Norm]
Rebecca: I don't know what got into me. Please apologize to Vera.
Norm: Are you kidding? After that Vera should apologize to me.

[Sam & Diane visit Dr Finch-Royce for the umpteenth time]
Diane: Doctor, there's still one thing you haven't considered...
Simon: [flustered] OK. Sam, Diane, you two are perfect together. I'm sorry I made a mistake before but you are the most perfectly matched couple ever. But, why am I telling this to you? Let's share it with the rest of the world. [shouts out the window] Hear this, world! The rest of you can stop getting married! It's been done to perfection! [gesturing to the furniture] Envy them, sofa, envy them, chair, for you shall never be as cozy as they for their union shall be an epoch-shattering success and I STAKE MY LIFE ON IT. Wait a moment, let me get this on record! [talks into his tape recorder] "I, Dr. Simon Finch-Royce, being of sound mind and body declare that Sam and Diane shall be happy together throughout all eternity and if I am wrong I promise I will take my own life in the most disgusting manner possible." Here, take the tape, NO, take the whole machine. It's my wedding gift to you. The most perfect couple since the DAWN of TIME.
Diane: [turns to Sam, beaming] See?

[Sam agrees to place Woody's bet with a bookie; Woody starts to untie his shoe]
Norm: Come on, man. Don't tell me you keep your money in your shoe.
Woody: Boy, you guys really do think I just fell off the turnip truck. [he pulls a white cloth out of his shoe] This is where I keep the map of where the money's buried in my back yard.

[Sam comes out of his office; Diane notices a strong smell]
Diane: Good Lord, Sam. Have you been swimming laps in that cologne of yours?
Sam: No. I just dropped the bottle all over the floor in there. Another two dollars and fifty cents down the drain.
Diane: Ah, the big bottle.

[Sam enters wearing a suit]
Carla: Sammy, blind me with you beauty. What's with the fashion statement?
Sam: I had to look good. I had a meeting over at the corporation about buying Cheers.
Cliff: How'd it go?
Sam: I talked them into it. They're going to sell me the bar back. [Everyone cheers] I'm not out of the woods yet. I've got to raise a little bit more capital. I have to find myself a few investors. [Frasier, Norm, and the ride side of the bar move away] No not you. I'm talking about people with real money.
Norm: What's the matter, Sam? Our money's not good enough for you?
Sam: That's right.
Norm: Okay, for a second there I was offended.

[Sam is locked out of his place and comes to Carla's]
Carla: Well, I guess you can stay here for the night.
Sam: Yeah, yeah. Alright, thanks.
Carla: Look, Sammy.
Sam: What?
Carla: No matter what you hear, no matter how much I scream or call for help... do NOT open the bedroom door. Got it?
John Allen Hill: Ditto for me, too, Sam.
Sam: Oh, no no... [he leaves]

[Sam stays at Cliff's house]
Esther Clavin: Dear Lord, bless Clifford and me, unworthy wretches that we are. Bless the postal system and keep it from harm... by helping it to detect the real loonies. Bless our friends, and thank you for letting Sam find succor here tonight. Bless the late Mr. Clavin - I know he's not in your vicinity, but rather roasting in hell on a spit reserved for those who desert their families. Amen.

[Sam wants to tell Diane that he didn't place Woody's bet]
Sam: I'm in big, big trouble. I did something that, it felt so right � but now it, it turns out to be all wrong.
Diane: What's her name and how many months?

[Simon enters the bar and spots Frasier]
Simon: [sings] Three Little Maids from School are we.
Frasier: [sings] Pert as a Schoolgirl well may be.
Both: [sing] Filled to the brim with girlish glee, Three Little Maids from School.
Woody: Sam should I call the police?
Frasier: No need for alarm Woody, we were in the spring musical at Oxford together. It was The Mikado. Simon was Pitti-Sing and I was Yum-Yum.
Simon: And a handsomer Yum-Yum I've never seen.