Sam: Woody, we're out of here. You're in charge of the bar.
Woody: Why bother, Sam? Whenever you put me in charge nobody every listens to me. I just get laughed at and get drinks poured over my head.
Sam: If anyone does that to you, you just sic Carla on them.
Woody: I'm talkin' about Carla.

Sam: Would you just admit that you're hung up on me, dammit?!!
Diane: I am not!
Sam: You are too!
Diane: I am not!
Sam: You are too!
Norm: Please, please, do you think I would behave this way in your home?

Sam: You are the nuttiest, the stupidest, the phoniest fruitcake I ever met!
Diane: You, Sam Malone, are the most arrogant, self-centered son-of-a--
Sam: Shut up! Shut your fat mouth!
Diane: Make me!
Sam: Make you?... My God I'm, I'm gonna... I'm gonna bounce you off every wall in this office!
Diane: Try it and you'll be walking funny tomorrow... or should I say funnier?
Sam: You know... you know I always wanted to pop you one! Maybe this is my lucky day, huh?
Diane: You disgust me! I hate you!
Sam: Are you as turned on as I am?
Diane: More!
Sam: Bet me. [They kiss, fade to black]
Sam: Now I'm going to nibble on your ear.
Diane: Don't tell me you're going to nibble on my ear...
Season 2

Sam: You heard from Irene?
Coach: Well not for awhile but you're not supposed to see the bride before the ceremony anyway. Are you?
Sam: No, but you're supposed to know whether or not she's in the country at least.

Sam: You know I think you should go home, wake Vera, and do whatever comes naturally.
Norm: Wake her up so she can watch me eat a bucket of buffalo wings?

Sam: You must be gettin' pretty excited.
Carla: Yeah, I thought that ice show would never get back to Boston. It has been tough. He [Eddie] misses me. The kids miss him. Not to mention that I happen to be at my sexual peak.
Sam: You've been there since you were 12.
Carla: When you find a place you like, why leave it?

Sam: You wore your socks in the tanning booth?
Cliff: Well I've got to be careful, Sammy. The Clavin men have feet like a baby's bottom.
Carla: With faces to match.

Sam: You're in a pretty good mood tonight.
Diane: Why not? Last night I was up till two in the morning finishing off Kierkegaard.
Sam: I hope he thanked you for it.

Sam: You're just in time to see our masterpiece.
Diane: Should I alert Pauline Kael?
Sam: Well if you want to but tell her to get her butt in gear. We're about to start.

Sam: You're the only person I trust to listen to on this one.
Frasier: Okay Sam, I think I have some advice for you.
Sam: Oh good, what?
Frasier: Get yourself a qualified therapist to help you get over your depression and when you do give me his name.

Sam: [Frasier] left here pretty angry. I keep calling the house. The machine keeps picking up.
Carla: Oh, Lilith answers?

Sam: [Valerie's] really nice, isn't she Wood?
Woody: She's really nice, sweet, warm, and wonderful. You know back in Hanover, me and my brother used to have a name for a girl like that.
Sam: What was that?
Woody: Mom. By the way, Sam, if I ever catch you anywhere near my mother you better pray God takes you before I do.

Sumner: Excuse me, young man. I'm Dr. Sumner Sloane. I'm looking for Diane Chambers.
Woody: Gee, I hope she's not sick.
Sumner: No, I'm not a medical doctor. I'm in the literature department at Boston University where I occupy a chair.
Woody: Hey don't worry about it. That's all I did in school too.

Woody: Actually, I was the best poker player in the entire metro Hanover area.
Cliff: Well, uh, you're in the city now, Woody.
Woody: Well I guess you do play different than a bunch of farm boys.
Sam: Oh, yes we do. Why don't you sit down, Woodrow?
Woody: Oh, thanks. Take it easy on me.
Norm: OK. What sort of game would you like to play, huh?
Woody: Well, how ‘bout, uh... "Five blind piglets and one full teat"?
Norm: What the heck kind of game is that?
Woody: That's where five city boys lose all their money. [starts dealing one-handed]

Woody: But so help me God, if a man with a thumb answers...Hold on. It's him. It's the thumb guy and you know what that pervert said? "Allo." What's that in English?
Norm: I took French in high school. Allo. Allo means..."I've got your girlfriend in my arms, and soon we'll be naked, you stupid cuckold."
Cliff: That's funny, Norm, because I thought it meant..."I got your girlfriend in my arms, and we're already naked, you stupid cuckold."
Frasier: Stop heckling the poor lad. Woody, it simply means...that "I enjoyed your girlfriend."