It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia quotes
334 total quotesAri Frankel: Your wife says she's afraid of you. I'm here for the dog.
Frank: Oh. That woman is amazing! She is amazing! You just met her; she's already got you running errands for her. She's good. She is good!
Ari Frankel: Just go get the dog.
Frank: I don't have the dog.
Ari Frankel: So you've been in here tearing apart pillows and... pooping... on the floor?
Frank: [long pause] Yes.
Frank: Oh. That woman is amazing! She is amazing! You just met her; she's already got you running errands for her. She's good. She is good!
Ari Frankel: Just go get the dog.
Frank: I don't have the dog.
Ari Frankel: So you've been in here tearing apart pillows and... pooping... on the floor?
Frank: [long pause] Yes.
Barbara: While you were out making money, who do you think was at home, cooking and cleaning and raising your children?
Frank: A series of Mexican women.
Charlie: "A series..." Unbelievable, dude! [They high-five] You're on fire.
Frank: A series of Mexican women.
Charlie: "A series..." Unbelievable, dude! [They high-five] You're on fire.
Brianna: You look like a Holocaust victim in pageant makeup.
Sweet Dee: I will eat your babies, bitch!
Frank: Nobody's eating anybody's babies.
Sweet Dee: Come on, let me eat her babies
Sweet Dee: What did you just say you little bitch!
Sweet Dee: I will eat your babies, bitch!
Frank: Nobody's eating anybody's babies.
Sweet Dee: Come on, let me eat her babies
Sweet Dee: What did you just say you little bitch!
Charlie You got that script that I wrote? Grab that script.
Dennis: I've been meaning to speak to you about this. I can't read these words. They're not in the right order.
Charlie It's good.
Dennis: I think you might be dyslexic, bro. I'm not reading this.
Charlie No, no, no, please read it.
Dennis: I think you might be dyslexic bro.
Charlie Just read the script once.
Dennis: Okay you want me to read the script?
Charlie Yes. And action.
Dennis: I'll read the words you wrote. "Hello fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you. Thank you. If you vote me, I'm hot." What? "Taxes, they'll be lower. Son. The Democratic vote for me is right thing to do Philadelphia. So do." This doesn't make any sense!
Dennis: I've been meaning to speak to you about this. I can't read these words. They're not in the right order.
Charlie It's good.
Dennis: I think you might be dyslexic, bro. I'm not reading this.
Charlie No, no, no, please read it.
Dennis: I think you might be dyslexic bro.
Charlie Just read the script once.
Dennis: Okay you want me to read the script?
Charlie Yes. And action.
Dennis: I'll read the words you wrote. "Hello fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you. Thank you. If you vote me, I'm hot." What? "Taxes, they'll be lower. Son. The Democratic vote for me is right thing to do Philadelphia. So do." This doesn't make any sense!
Charlie: [in a wheelchair and army vet attire] This costume, the chicks is gonna go crazy all over it.
Frank: Maybe you should let me do all the talking.
Charlie: No, it's like shooting fish in a barrel. So watch and learn.
Stripper: Awww, look at you sweetie, what happened?
Charlie: [shouting] Viet-goddamn-nam's what happened! Go get me a beer, bitch!
Frank: Maybe you should let me do all the talking.
Charlie: No, it's like shooting fish in a barrel. So watch and learn.
Stripper: Awww, look at you sweetie, what happened?
Charlie: [shouting] Viet-goddamn-nam's what happened! Go get me a beer, bitch!
Charlie: [to Mac] You know what dude, hear me out for a second okay. Now technically, that stain did appear to me. Also I am familiar with carpentry and I don't know who my father is. So, am I the messiah? I don't know, I could be, I'm not ruling it out.
Charlie: Here's a confession: I'm in love with a man. What? I'm in love with a man... a man named God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? You betcha.
Charlie: I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass, I'm gonna to kick some ass in the U.S.A., gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, I'm gonna kick some ass, I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass. ROCK, FLAG, and EAGLE!!
Charlie: Look, could you imagine America where everyone just gives up?
Dee: I don't care.
Charlie: Ok, let's just give up.
Mac: Hey Charlie.
Charlie: No look guys. How you doing? Have you come to gloat and shove it in my face?
Mac: No. No.
Charlie: No, it's okay and you know why? Because I give up. I'm living in GiveUp America.
Dennis: What are you talking about? Will you shut up?
Charlie: I'm gonna be a smoker.
Mac: You don't have to smoke Charlie.
Charlie: You know why? Because we give up. We live in GiveUp America. I live in GiveUp America. I live in an America where... hey Ryan. I'm sorry to interrupt you, but if you're not too busy showering in your brother's urine or plotting your revenge against me, would you mind lighting my cigarette? Thanks bro. Hey Liam, I'm sorry I sent you to jail man, but anytime you want to stab me, it'd be really great for me because... [Liam stabs Charlie in the back with a fork]
Liam: That's what you get Charlie.
Dennis: Hey get the hell out of here.
Liam: You get forkstabbed!
Dee: I don't care.
Charlie: Ok, let's just give up.
Mac: Hey Charlie.
Charlie: No look guys. How you doing? Have you come to gloat and shove it in my face?
Mac: No. No.
Charlie: No, it's okay and you know why? Because I give up. I'm living in GiveUp America.
Dennis: What are you talking about? Will you shut up?
Charlie: I'm gonna be a smoker.
Mac: You don't have to smoke Charlie.
Charlie: You know why? Because we give up. We live in GiveUp America. I live in GiveUp America. I live in an America where... hey Ryan. I'm sorry to interrupt you, but if you're not too busy showering in your brother's urine or plotting your revenge against me, would you mind lighting my cigarette? Thanks bro. Hey Liam, I'm sorry I sent you to jail man, but anytime you want to stab me, it'd be really great for me because... [Liam stabs Charlie in the back with a fork]
Liam: That's what you get Charlie.
Dennis: Hey get the hell out of here.
Liam: You get forkstabbed!
Charlie: Ok,ok, uh I just killed three very large rats that were stuck in glue traps.
Dennis: Good work.
Charlie: No, no, no. That's not good trap. I'm done with rat detail. That's by far the worst job in the bar.
Dennis: That's why we call it Charlie Work.
Charlie: No, no dude not Charlie Work. There's like an emotional toll that comes out of this. I mean you kill one of these... [Dennis blows smoke in Charlie's face]
Charlie: You kidding me?
Dennis: What? What?
Charlie: You're blowing smoke directly in my face when I'm trying to talk to you.
Dennis: What is he talking about?
Charlie: You know if you wanna smoke, you should have to take it outside.
Frank: It's a bar.
Dennis: Yeah, it's a bar.
Dee: Yeah, but you know what? Charlie, I think you're right. I think we should ban smoking in here.
Mac: Oh, come on. That's completely ridiculous.
Dee: Why is that ridiculous? There are smoking bans in a lot of states now.
Mac: Uh, yes and its completely unamerican.
Dennis: If you don't like smoke, then don't come into the bar.
Charlie: I work in this bar. I work here.
Dennis: But that's because you have the freedom to choose to work here. Smoking bans, they don't protect freedom. They strip them away from smokers.
Frank: Look, I didn't go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.
Dee: You went to Vietnam in 1993 to open up a sweatshop!
Frank: ...and a lot of good men died in that sweatshop!
Dee: Oh my god.
Dennis: Look the point is if Charlie took any time to study in school, he would recognize that the Constitution protects my freedom to blow smoke all over his face.
Charlie: You gotta be... you don't know shit about the Constitution man.
Mac: Uh, he knows more than you two unamerican freedom haters.
Dennis: Thank you.
Dee: Oh, Charlie, we hate freedom. Yea we hate it.
Charlie: Oh, I'm unamerican?
Frank: You're practically a Vietcong.
Charlie: Is that right? Ok. You wanna learn a little something about America? Dee, let's roll outta here.
Dee: Where are we going?
Charlie: We're gonna go America all over their asses!
Dennis: Good work.
Charlie: No, no, no. That's not good trap. I'm done with rat detail. That's by far the worst job in the bar.
Dennis: That's why we call it Charlie Work.
Charlie: No, no dude not Charlie Work. There's like an emotional toll that comes out of this. I mean you kill one of these... [Dennis blows smoke in Charlie's face]
Charlie: You kidding me?
Dennis: What? What?
Charlie: You're blowing smoke directly in my face when I'm trying to talk to you.
Dennis: What is he talking about?
Charlie: You know if you wanna smoke, you should have to take it outside.
Frank: It's a bar.
Dennis: Yeah, it's a bar.
Dee: Yeah, but you know what? Charlie, I think you're right. I think we should ban smoking in here.
Mac: Oh, come on. That's completely ridiculous.
Dee: Why is that ridiculous? There are smoking bans in a lot of states now.
Mac: Uh, yes and its completely unamerican.
Dennis: If you don't like smoke, then don't come into the bar.
Charlie: I work in this bar. I work here.
Dennis: But that's because you have the freedom to choose to work here. Smoking bans, they don't protect freedom. They strip them away from smokers.
Frank: Look, I didn't go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.
Dee: You went to Vietnam in 1993 to open up a sweatshop!
Frank: ...and a lot of good men died in that sweatshop!
Dee: Oh my god.
Dennis: Look the point is if Charlie took any time to study in school, he would recognize that the Constitution protects my freedom to blow smoke all over his face.
Charlie: You gotta be... you don't know shit about the Constitution man.
Mac: Uh, he knows more than you two unamerican freedom haters.
Dennis: Thank you.
Dee: Oh, Charlie, we hate freedom. Yea we hate it.
Charlie: Oh, I'm unamerican?
Frank: You're practically a Vietcong.
Charlie: Is that right? Ok. You wanna learn a little something about America? Dee, let's roll outta here.
Dee: Where are we going?
Charlie: We're gonna go America all over their asses!
Dee: I am not a failure!
Mac: Dennis, what is it that you call it when somebody tries to do something but doesn't succeed?
Dennis: Uh, that would in fact be a failure.
Mac: Dennis, what is it that you call it when somebody tries to do something but doesn't succeed?
Dennis: Uh, that would in fact be a failure.
Dee: I am not having sex with you, Charlie.
Charlie: No, it's not sex I want from you. It's sex I don't want from Dennis!
Charlie: No, it's not sex I want from you. It's sex I don't want from Dennis!
Dennis: [after witnessing Mac kiss his Mom at her front door] Oh my God! Ohhh...
Charlie: Yeah... that's a terrible thing... a terrible thing for you to see that.
Dennis: I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him!
Charlie: Wait wait wait! What are you gonna do? Punch him in the face? Throw him? Maybe work the body a little?
Dennis: I was gonna...
Charlie: No no no, that's not gonna help. That's not gonna help and I'll tell you why: It doesn't unbang your Mom.
Charlie: Yeah... that's a terrible thing... a terrible thing for you to see that.
Dennis: I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him!
Charlie: Wait wait wait! What are you gonna do? Punch him in the face? Throw him? Maybe work the body a little?
Dennis: I was gonna...
Charlie: No no no, that's not gonna help. That's not gonna help and I'll tell you why: It doesn't unbang your Mom.
Dennis: [to his basketball team] Now as long as you hurt the other kid as bad or worse than he hurts you, you will have done your job. And I'll be proud of you.